Out and About!

Haven't been on a Train in years. Didn't think about it much really, I was just so excited to go on a day trip and see my friend. I was also looking forward to seeing more of the sites here. Getting out and about is something I try and do every day. It's still slow, the tourists haven't arrived with their hustle and bustle, and the streets aren't clogged yet with traffic. It's quiet, easy to get around, and I can site see without interruption. But this trip was out of town a bit. A relatively short train ride (about an hour) to a nearby town to meet up with my friend. A town just outside of Boston. Ah! Boston is my goal, but for now, just the 'meet and greet' was enough.

I actually went from Maine thru New Hampshire and into Massachusetts. It's sure a lot easier to go from state to state over here! Not a big deal for locals, most of them do it all the time. Whether their commuting for work or to visit friends/family, or to go to a game. On this train ride, there was a group that was going to the game in Boston. What game? I have NO idea! Sports is not one of my 'forte's, but they were having a great time on the train ride there. It was just what I needed during the ride. I hadn't realized that the train ride would be a 'trigger', but it was. A small one, but a trigger none the less.

In an 'oh so small' paragraph the trigger story goes like this: The last time I was commuting on a train it was because we were living in a small (OMG so small) quaint little German tourist town. We had decided to move back to the valley where both of us had family and friends. I went first in order to secure work and a place to live. I got a job, was staying with my daughter, and was looking for an apt for us to move into. He stayed in the (omg so small) German tourist town and was to secure packing and keep the apt until such time when I had found an apt. I commuted to him every weekend via Train and Greyhound. I ALSO was paying for my share of the expenses of where I was staying and saving for an apt. HE was working full time, but was unable to save any of his paychecks to pay the rent THERE so I had to keep sending him money. AS WELL as pay for my own transportation there and back, my food, my bus fair to and from work, and apt hunt for something affordable for us until he found work after he moved down. HUGE Red Flag of his lack of responsibility, but hindsight is 20/20 right? Oh I got the "I miss you" emails, and the phone calls where he told me that the apt was so big without me there. That the walls "weren't as white" anymore. The place had taken on a "grey" mode since I had been gone. That he couldn't sleep in the bed without me...blah blah blah. And I feel for it, hook, line, and sinker!  I look back at this now and realize this was not in any stretch of the imagination a "team" effort. He worked at his job, but kept spending his money on beer and pizza and entertaining his little brother and god know what else.........

So.....the Train ride was a bit of a trigger. Not HALF as bad as I thought it was going to be when it came on tho. And I Thank the God's in Heaven for that! Just another example of how I was CONSISTENTLY devalued throughout the relationship. Besides, the group of friends going to the game helped to take my mind off it. And so did the scenery. They were having a fabulous time and I kept thinking to myself, man, if they were in L.A. someone would have told them to shut the hell up by now! LOL. There was even a guy sleeping in the seats across from me who couldn't have cared less about them having a good time. Didn't bother him at all, he just slept away. What a refreshing way of life. And it's starting to rub off on me as well. I'm feeling more and more every day my body just relaxing here. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect place to go to 're-group' and start my travels. Besides, I found this link on the internet yesterday and it really is true. Maine IS one of the nicest places!

Maine: The most Peaceful US State

So I'm on the train and soaking up all the sites I can. One of the first things I notice is on this train ride I don't see the little "tents" along the route I used to see. The weather doesn't really permit too many vagabonds out like that, but it was till nice to not have to see all those people just trying to survive. Or have to look at so much trash and graffiti. So apart from the 10 minutes of 'trigger' the train ride was glorious!


I get to my destination, depart from the train and the first thing I notice is that there's a LOT of construction work going on just across from the platform to the left. And we all know what it means when there's construction work right? Construction Workers! Oh baby! Such a site for these eyes.....yummy.

 *Side note, while I'm typing this the Ice Cream truck just came by.....ok, call me crazy, but it's 50 degrees out with a wind chill factor (being so close to the beach it's always breezy) that makes it feel more like 30 to this California native! Guess the tourist season is getting close!

So I'm looking around trying to figure out where the heck my friend parked cause I didn't see anywhere anyone could really have parked for the train. Until the train pulled away. The parking lot was on the OTHER side of the train. (oh duh!) I walk across the little "bridge" they have so you can cross the tracks, help a lady with her suitcase and there was my friend! WOO HOO! Now this ought to give you a chuckle. I go running (yes, RUNNING....like you see in the movies) over. Stop laughing! (Well, ok, go ahead and chuckle, I do when I think of it now LOL)

HUGE hugs ensued, as well as the "OMG your real" and all that jazz. See, you have to understand that after going thru one of these 'experiences' (for lack of a better term) you become really close on the internet. The stories are all so similar it's like these sorts of 'people' (again, for lack of a better term) have all read the same handbook on how to manipulate. And you can't help but form bonds with some of the survivors you meet online. When we get to meet any of them in the FLESH is amazing. This is the second time I've been able to do this. And I don't plan on it stopping any time soon. There are so many more I need and want to meet. But, that just gives me more to write about right? :)

While we chatted in the parkinglot for a bit, I was loaded down with a YUMMY warm coat, more PJ's than I can wear (insert smiley face here) a purse, sweaters (yay SWEATERS!) a pair of boots for the rain/mud, an umbrella and all SORTS of things. There was even an extra suitcase for me to bring all this stuff back in. Not a stone was left unturned.....I was blown away at the thoughtfulness and utter kindness being given to me. Kind of hard still to accept such kindness from others. I'm not saying that nobody has ever been kind to me. I have lots of people who have been kind and compassionate. Especially after my ex trying to utterly destroy me. Friends, Family, and even co-workers have come out of the woodwork and embraced me with love and compassion. I love them all more than I can say. But it still takes some getting used to......

The afternoon was wonderful. I could not have imagined it any better. We went to a little place known as Ninety Nine. A nice restaurant with a good atmosphere, and great food. And after that stopped at Dunkin Doughnuts (a little piece of home for me)

While the food was great, the company was better. We shared stories, both of us at one point or another dropping our jaws. Laughing, talking, comparing notes about our ex's, and just having a wonderful afternoon. Time was limited, because my train back was leaving in 4 hours or I wouldn't have made it home until sometime in the early a.m. We sucked up as much of each other as we could. And made plans for next time. Future BBQ's, places to visit, and the next trip to be in Boston.


I can't wait.......

Learning......Discovering......Embracing

Love this song. It never ceases to amaze me how many people really and truly believe that I am perfect. Just the way I am. So hard to believe when I have been made to feel 'not good enough' for so many years.

But then there's mornings like this one. Where not only do I LOVE where I wake up every day, but then it's painted white everywhere the eye can see and that just makes it all the more beautiful. I have always loved the snow. I don't know if that's residual from being born in Chicago, or just because of the LACK of it growing up in Southern California. Or maybe it's a combination of both LOL. All I know is that I love the snow. The world seems to stop, and gets quiet when it snows. It's like the earth is 'rebooting' herself. Everything just seems to stop. Including me and my mind. Noise is dissolved into the mounds of beautiful white cotten...in the distance I hear the train's horn....and occasionally the sound of the snow falling from the trees or the electrical wires. And I learned (just today as a matter of fact!) that you need to watch yourself walking under trees during the snowfall. Or you could get dumped on.....HAHAHA.

So below is what I had the PRIVILEGE of waking up to outside the kitchen window:

As of this posting however, the city has sent the snow plows by to clear the road, and we scrapped the snow off the car. But to me, this was God's beauty in an amazing way. Who could not have an religious experience (however fleeting) looking at this?

I wanted to desperately to go outside and just walk around and take in and FEEL the stillness....to see the beauty of everything coated in a blanket of white....to actually experience that oxymoron of snow at the BEACH! But that will have to wait till next year. Bundle up like a "snow bunny" yes, I can do that, but the SHOES leave a little to be desired. Need a new pair of those for next year. Main focus? WATERPROOF! LOL

So, I'm surrounded by all this beauty, people who stop and wave for no apparent reason (and if my friend wasn't with me for validation you would probably think I'm nuts!) a much slower pace lifestyle (still getting used to that) tap water that tastes as good if not better than bottled, and just so MUCH love. Every day is truly becoming a gift, and I am really learning that "yes I AM perfect".

I am PERFECTLY IMPERFECT. I am compassionate, loving, empathetic, happy. I tend to be too hard on myself, but I'm learning to "calm down" and treat myself like I treat everyone else. I love nature, relaxing by a warm fire, and drinking hot cocoa. I am religious about making my bed in the morning because I can't get into it and go to sleep if it's a mess. I can let the dishes go in the sink for most of the day if I want to and the Earth will NOT stop spinning. In fact one of the BIGGEST things I've learned that if I feel like it I CAN CALL OUT SICK TO WORK even if I'm NOT SICK! Just because maybe I want to take a 'mental health' day. I can DO that and it's ok!!!! You know why? because I don't have someone making ME feel like if I DON'T go to work then the bills won't get paid....god forbid anyone ELSE in the house should get up off their dead butt and try to act like a responsible adult....

But I don't have that 'babysitting' job anymore, I had to dig deep to find that place where I could let go of the "habit" of second guessing my thoughts, my emotions, my desires, and my actions. All because I was so 'conditioned' to worry about OTHER peoples reactions.

But now I get told from someone, somewhere that I am a good person. Either by commenting on my blog, or in an email, or FB or a text on my phone or something. It has really been hard to swallow sometimes. My inner voice wants to tell me it's not true, or they really don't mean it, or there's a hidden agenda (one of HIS favorites). But most of my life it's been one of those things. No longer. And this has become so utterly freeing. It might not seem like a big deal to some of you, but to someone who has been under the 'watchful' eye of others most of her life it is most liberating to not worry about it anymore.

I am LEARNING that I am Fucking Perfect just the way I am.

I am DISCOVERING just how Perfect that person is (even with my human flaws! LOL)

I am EMBRACING all that Perfection, because I never did before.

They say life is a journey...well folks, I got my "E" ticket, my front row seat, and so far.......it's becoming AWESOME ride.