Whew! Back on Line!! :)

Wow the past few months have been nerve wracking! I have been going thru blogging withdrawls as well as facebook withdrawls. Just goes to show ya just how DEPENDENT we get to our cyber lives huh? I've been able to get to my forums and websites thru my android phone, but some videos I can't watch and some I wanted to download but had to wait for a puter! hahahaha

Life has been just amazing tho! Spring is coming, and even tho it's been raining more than it's been sunny here it's just becoming so beautiful. The trees are blooming, the grass is growing, the flowers are poking their heads up out of the ground. Now we just wait for the people to show up I'm told. Should be around Memorial Weekend or so. Then the crowds are here for the summer. It will be 'hustle and bustle' for those months, and I'm actually excited to listen to all the French speaking tourists!! Aaaaaa, the simple things in life that make me smile :)

Easter was great. I was graciously invited to Momma's daughters house for Easter dinner with the family. WONDERFUL food, good company, and the perk was a call from my daughter on speakerphone with my grand daughters. The only part that tugged at my heartstrings was my 9 year old grand daughter said, "Grandma, I don't mind that you moved, but did you have to move so FAR?" How do you explain to a 9 year old in terms they can understand that this was something I HAD to do for me? I got thru it, and she made me promise to come back for Christmas. So that promise is set is stone! By then I should be having serious family withdrawls anyway lol.

Mother's day was excellent! Did NOTHING!!! I got two Easter cards from each of my Grand Daughters in the mail and another one from Momma. Oh, I should tell you that Momma is the mom of the house I'm renting a room at. Both mom and dad offered there spare room to me, and when I got here I was welcomed with open arms and made to feel so at home from the very first night. Out of respect, I call her Momma (after all she's Queen of her castle right?)  And Dad is of course Pappa :)
Phone call's from both my son and my daughter that just brightened my day all the more. My son is doing so well working towards his independence and I'm so proud of him! It seems his life is finally getting "on track" and I can breath emotionally now. To help him keep moving forward, I am sending him my old phone so he can have more privacy on his calls. The phone where he is is a landline and in the middle of the livingroom, This way he can at least go outside or in his room when he wants some privacy! :)

I had my first therapy appt with my new therapist. It's been a year since I've seen one and three sessions don' really count as "therapy" right? LOL So I've been going thru the emotional rollercoaster of the PTSD and soul searching on my own. Been a hard road sometimes. Better boundries are my focus now, and looking at my childhood over the past year with OPEN eyes has allowed me the opportunity to realize why I was such a TARGET for this PD individual. Today, finding this therapist, is yet ANOTHER reason I was to come here to Maine. They call it Serendipity. And I am getting SLAMMED with it almost every day now. Some perfect examples are:

I needed a place to heal my heart and soul.
I was givin the beach, plenty of lakes and streams, lots of places to walk with trees and quiet nature. A room in a home where I was greeted with open arms, love, and compassion.

I needed a way to get there
I had an angel whom I had never met pay for my plane ticket

I needed to make sure I had an income so I could survive
In a small town during the OFF season, I was able to transfer my position to a local store because an employee was leaving on maternity leave. Just so happens????

I need a car because the bus service, although more 'personal' then I'm used to, is limited
I've changed depts and so am getting more hours. More hours = more money = car in NEAR future :) And how ironic is that??

I've capped out on healing on my own, and to get further need help. So......
Found a therapist who is also a medium. Works so close I could almost walk to her office. AND the office has a Somatic healer who also does Massage Therapy. So I can continue to grow, say what I need to say to my dad (who's passed away and I have some ISSUES with that!) and get a massage! All in the same place!

I miss home, don't get me wrong. I miss my family, my friends, and just the whole familiarity of it all. But the journey I'm on now requires me to be here, in this place, at this time. 3 sessions with a therapist is NOT enough after the ordeal of the past 10 years. Nor is it enough to get to the actual ROOT of the problem. So, here, in this place, on this side of the USA is where I am able to move forward in healing and growing. I've gone thru the pain, the confusion, the why's, the why not's, the anger, the betrayal, the hatred, and all the endless QUESTIONS and come as far as I can on my own. THIS is where I need to be to move further forward.

One of the hardest things I am currently learning is being Happy......it feels foreign to me, and it's kinda "weird" for lack of a better term. So many years of always worrying about the bills, stressing about the future, always trying to second guess "ITS" moods, being made to feel like a "toaster" while I wondered who his "flavor of the week" was and how long it was going to go on with THAT one? UGH!! SHUDDER!!! Never again will I allow that in my life....

So just being "happy" is a little strange for me. But I'm slammed with it every day here in Maine! Letting go of the "responsibility" of being responsible (because HE wasn't) has been hard and wonderful all at the same time. Hard to explain, I'll try to in another post. Because I really do think this is a topic worth exploring. :)

Till next time...........