About Forgiving but not Forgetting

I'm going to try and make a little "analogy" here so things make better sense. There are millions of reasons why we don't 'forget' and just 'move on' after one of these experiences. Let me use an example of something that happened to me years ago to try and shed some light on the subject:

Many years ago, my children (I have 3) and I and my partner went to the beach for a vacation. We had rented a condo right off the water. It was beautiful. The weather was perfect, the water was warm, and because it was a Time Share there weren't many people about. Our first night there was magical. I fell asleep listening to the crashing of the waves outside. It was so magical.

The next day, we all got up had our breakfast and went down to the water. We laid out our blankets, blew up our donut, and proceeded to start our day. The waves weren't particularly high, so myself and my two boys started going into the water. My partner at the time had a fear of the Ocean as they had not really had much experience with it, and my daughter was too young at the time to do much more that get her feet wet. So they stayed ashore.

I'm keeping an eye on my son's, as a good mother would, and got angry at my oldest because he seemed to be going further out and down the shore from us. Both myself and my other son were yelling at him to come closer and not go so far away. He had the donut, so I wasn't too worried, I just didn't want him so far away. It seemed he had come closer to us, but the next thing I new I couldn't feel the ground under my feet anymore and we ALL seemed to be far from our group. The next thing outta my mouth was "get to shore"...still I had not had the "light bulb" go off in my head as to what was happening. All three of us grabbed onto the donut and started swimming to shore. At least that's what we were trying to do. I turned around, my back to the shore for a sec and had the living daylights scared outta me! A wave the size of a 10 foot building was coming!!! I yelled to my boys "hold your breath!" and it hit. Under the water we went....when we surfaced my oldest had been dragged to shore by the wave, but me and my other son were still out there. My oldest had been ripped from the donut, so it was just the two of us hanging on.....I let go of the donut and told my son to swim like he had never swam before. Again and again we were hit with waves. (God help me as I write this I'm shaking all over again) I'm treading water the best I can, TRYING to get to shore. As I'm going up and down with the waves, I notice I can only see the shoreline on the dip. That's not good, that means I'm being pulled out to sea. By now I realize (DUH!) that I'm caught in a Riptide. But I'm still not sure what to do. So I'm frantically trying to get myself to shore.

I was lucky. My Guardian Angel's were there to help me that day, because it just so happened there was the beach patrol!!! And emergency dingy was inflated and they were on there way to come get me. But the waves were so violent that when the first EMT came out, he was swept RIGHT PAST ME! By this time I'm cold, tired, my muscles are starting to cramp from just fighting the waves and the current. The dingy made it out to me and I was brought ashore.

They wrapped me in a blanket and put me into the Ambulance so the EMT could monitor my heart rate and check for hypothermia. As I'm sitting there, I see them putting HANDCUFFS on my oldest son! I told the EMT, I HAVE to go find out whats going on with my son. He didn't want to let me go, said "I have to make sure your ok first" But I told him if my son goes to jail I'm certainly NOT going to be ok!"

It turned out, he had made it to shore and was yelling at the EMT'S that they weren't working fast enough to save his mother (God Bless him!) So they wanted to arrest him because they said he was "obstructing" them by yelling while they were trying to do their job. I gathered my breath (I was still mentally and physically shaken) and spoke as calmly to the officer as I could. Explaining that he was just "in panic mode" that he was "young and didn't understand" and to please have a heart. That I would talk to him and explain the importance of letting Emergency Personnel do there due diligence without obstruction. They let him go into my care. (WHEW!)

For WEEKS we all had nightmares about it. Every time I started to drift off to sleep I would hear the waves crashing and feel myself in the Ocean again. It was miserable. It took me a long time to get back into the Ocean.  But I got over it. And so did my sons.

How does this story relate to Forgiving but not Forgetting? Well, first off I can't Forgive the OCEAN for doing what it does. It has no conscience and therefore acts and does what it does. Therefore, forgiving the OCEAN is a mute point. Forgiving MYSELF for not paying attention, or for ignoring everything I have learned growing up in CA about Riptides was what I had to do.

Forgetting what happened would mean not LEARNING from the experience. I have moved on from what happened but I will never forget. I will carry that memory with me the rest of my life. I've learned what to do if I'm ever caught in another Riptide and will make SURE I don't make that same mistake again.

Someone with a PD is never, and let me say this again, NEVER cured. Bi-Polar Disorder is "handled" with medication and therapy. But they are never cured. Its a short in the wiring in there brain and has been chemically proven by the DSM on personality disorders. The Cluster B co-morbid PD's aren't even "helped" with medication OR therapy. Again that is proven and documented in the DSM. So really it's a lost cause.

Forgive him? Whats to forgive? He has no conscience, therefore will feel no remorse and will not and cannot understand the concept of forgiveness. That would be like my standing there on the shore and telling the Ocean, I forgive you....think it'll hear me let alone care? Forgiveness is for me.....

Forget what happened? Never! To make sure it never happens to me again, I will never ever forget this. And like the Riptide situation, I have learned from the experience and will do my best to caution others. Hence, the reason for this blog and my others as well. If I can reach just one person to help brighten that "lightbulb" moment for them, then that's one more person who never has to go thru this soul wrenching experience.

You are not Crazy

Ever wonder just what IS verbal abuse? What constitutes someone making you feel that your feelings are wrong, exaggerated, unwarranted or ridiculous ?

Listen.......

You are not Crazy

Basic Manipulative Strategy of a Psychopath

According to Drs. Hare and Babiak psychopaths are always on the lookout for individuals to scam, exploit or swindle. The psychopathic approach includes three phases:

1: Assessment phase

Some psychopaths are opportunistic, aggressive predators who will take advantage of almost anyone they meet, while others are more patient, waiting for the perfect, innocent victim to cross their path. In each case, the psychopath is constantly sizing up the potential usefulness of an individual as a source of money, power, sex or influence. Some psychopaths enjoy a challenge while others prey on people who are vulnerable. During the assessment phase, the psychopath is able to determine a potential victim’s weak points and will use those weak points to seduce.

2: Manipulation phase

Once the psychopath has identified a victim, the manipulation phase begins. During the manipulation phase, a psychopath may create a persona or mask, specifically designed to ‘work’ for his or her target. A psychopath will lie to gain the trust of their victim. Psychopaths’ lack of empathy and guilt allows them to lie with impunity; they do not see the value of telling the truth unless it will help get them what they want.

As interaction with the victim proceeds, the psychopath carefully assesses the victim’s persona. The victim’s persona gives the psychopath a picture of the traits and characteristics valued in the victim. The victim’s persona may also reveal, to an astute observer, insecurities or weaknesses the victim wishes to minimize or hide from view. As an ardent student of human behavior, the psychopath will then gently test the inner strengths and needs that are part of the victim’s private self and eventually build a personal relationship with the victim.

The persona of the psychopath – the “personality” the victim is bonding with – does not really exist. It is built on lies, carefully woven together to entrap the victim. It is a mask, one of many, custom-made by the psychopath to fit the victim’s particular psychological needs and expectations. The victimization is predatory in nature; it often leads to severe financial, physical or emotional harm for the individual. Healthy, real relationships are built on mutual respect and trust; they are based on sharing honest thoughts and feelings. The victim’s mistaken belief that the psychopathic bond has any of these characteristics is the reason it is so successful.

3: Abandonment phase

The abandonment phase begins when the psychopath decides that his or her victim is no longer useful. The psychopath abandons his or her victim and moves on to someone else. In the case of romantic relationships, a psychopath will usually seal a relationship with their next target before abandoning his or her current victim. Sometimes, the psychopath has three individuals on whom he or she is running game: the one who has been recently abandoned, who is being toyed with and kept in the picture in case the other two do not work out; the one who is currently being played and is about to be abandoned; and the third, who is being groomed by the psychopath, in anticipation of abandoning the current “mark”. Abandonment can happen quickly and can occur without the current victim knowing that the psychopath was looking for someone new. There will be no apologies, or at least no sincere apologies, for the hurt and pain the psychopath causes, because psychopaths do not appreciate these emotions.

from WIKIPEDIA

The above is textbook for what happened to me. I was spinning at the end during the Abandonment faze not understanding what was going on. His messages were so mixed. But thats what they count on. So while it was "on again" and "off again" with me he never took a stand about anything until I backed him into a corner. And while he was trying to "explain" his way out of it, he still blamed ME for the issue I had brought up. This of course is about all the furniture we had in storage that he let go to auction (email conversation available). And when I didn't reply to his answer he took that moment to send me the all eternal "break up" email (conversation available)

See, I really believe that the ONLY smart thing I did with this whole issue was keep to email conversations. They leave a trail. And if anyone within his "circle" or the "new supply" ever gets wind of this blog.....I have proof. I would love to hear of his "past" that he colored for his new wife. There is no way he told her the truth! LOL Who would tell someone they had just been "honeymooning" that there first wife divorced them for Fraud, their second wife (with their son) divorced them for lying and stealing, and that they "threw away" there third relationship because she wasn't "financially supportive" anymore? Oh, but things will be different with YOU right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

From www.gettinbetter.com

Never will a Borderline take ownership of their failings/flaws. Never. Closure allows a meeting of souls, a healing acknowledgment of each person's part in the demise of the relationship, and an opportunity for both to learn from their mistakes. No such thing will ever exist for the Borderline. Oh, you may receive a perfunctory "I'm sorry," but there is never genuine remorse. So why is this, do you think?

Closure equals Ego Death to a Borderline. They're so fractured/fragile, they really can't manage any hint of abandonment or loss. They're so full of self-loathing, they can't handle anyone being aware of their shortcomings. Their defenses are deeply entrenched, automatic and reflexive--because they need them to survive. Point out your Borderline's weaknesses, and you might as well drive a stake through their heart--if they can take it in. Most cannot, so their denial remains. For you this can mean no harm, no foul.

So when your listening to their past, listen closely......

The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior...................

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