On Lying

Lying. Wow. Now this is another pretty big rock to come out of my Little Red Wagon. Lying is something I abhor. I have never tolerated it in the past, but came to "accept" it during my relationship with the ex. I made excuses for it in my head. It never sat well with me tho, so in order to not fight with myself, I learned to just not ask. Or pry. Or become inquisitive. It saved my heart. It saved us fighting. It saved disruption in the house. Or so I thought. I killed me a little more each day.

I had caught him in so many lies in the beginning. And over time he just simply got 'better' at it. More covert. More convincing. I don't know if he got more convincing because he got better, or because I was turning a blind eye more. So it just SEEMED like he was getting more convincing. Or both. Perpetual lying from another person causes you to do things you wouldn't normally do. Normally, I would NEVER think of invading someone else's privacy. I expect my personal space to be respected and as such I extend that to others as well. But in the case of trying to make sure he was being honest, I learned to "dig" into his computer. I did NOT want to find anything. I would have rather had to string myself up with a rope to punish myself than to find out he was STILL lying. I had convinced myself I was doing it to prove to myself that he was indeed telling me the truth. Of course, every time I was proven wrong. So guess what I did to avoid the pain any longer? At the time, I thought it was the best thing for me....in hindsight, I realize it was the worst. I simply stopped looking. Gave it up. Woke up one day and said "no more". Either trust the man, or walk away. Because my love was still so deep I chose trust. I knew it was foolish. But my heart outweighed my head.

I myself am a miserable lair. Its on my face. In my tone. My body screams at you that I'm lying. I even have a problem with 'little white lies'. Hell, I have a hard time calling the Utility Companies to extend a payment with a White Lie! I am so grateful that I did not loose that quality. Lying to me is still a thorn and always will be.

The reason for this post on lying is because of something I read today in my email. I felt it was another stone for me to work on getting out of my Wagon. Part of the email is below:

I'd like to describe to you what I believe the categories of lying are, and why they create damage in relationships.

Malicious Lying

Malicious lying is narcissistic (self-serving without consideration for others) in nature, and the reasons behind it are: I'm not an authentic person who can get my needs met by being real. My real (damaged) self is unacceptable. I have to be a constructed false-self to get what I want from life.
This is the most dangerous version of liar and constitutes a person that you cannot have a healthy relationship with.

Malicious lying has the following characteristics:

- Lying in order to avoid scrutiny or accountability
- Lying about previous and present life details, such as accomplishments and associates
- Using fabricated evidence as ammunition
- Making false promises that aren't upheld
- Lying in order to receive acclaim, notoriety or attention
- Lying to gain the upper hand
- 'Gaslighting' (creating false evidence in order to confuse or distress others)
- Making false threats in order to intimidate
- Fabricating evidence in order to blame others
- Telling someone what they wish to hear and then continuing the poor behaviour
- Proclaiming undying love, which actions don't support, when trying to re-gain connection
- Twisting facts in order to manipulate

Any adult that is operating as a malicious liar does not want to be accountable and does not want to be real. The underlying fear of being real (I'm unacceptable) is too powerful. Many a person has tried to sort out a malicious liar (myself included), believing that you're doing them a favor, and their life will be happier when they stop lying. Really what is going on is: I'm trying to stop you lying so that I can feel happy, safe and loved. The mistake is: we believe our happiness depends on this person getting their act together, rather than realizing that we are the source of our own safety and truth.

Trying to 'fix' a malicious liar equals 'How to Lose'. A malicious liar does not want you sorting out their life, and will only intensify their lying in order to avoid being real. In fact they will resent your interference and will punish you with further evasion, lies and blame for their behaviour. My suggestion is always the same: Get out! Use the experience to heal the reasons why YOU aren't aligning with a REAL and supportive relationship. Because when you do, you'll never attract, tolerate and struggle with a liar again.

Now we can move on to white lies, which many people believe are acceptable, and may even consider as healthy and preferable.

White Lying 



White lying has the following characteristics:

Lying in order to 'people please' and 'be liked'
- Lying in order to avoid other's disapproval
- Lying in order to spare other people's feelings

Lying in order to please others is not authentic, nor is it healthy to tell other people what they wish to hear. We're not only denying our ability to be real, we're also not offering genuine feedback that can grant other's the ability to grow and heal their 'stuff'.

Malicious lying is something that was done consistently, effortlessly (it seemed) and with such VIGOR!

"At least I've owned my own house!" Said at the top of his lungs during a very heated argument. Come to find out later, he never owned a home. In fact never really had a rental history. But he was good at not only lying, but using it to verbally chastise me. So it was a double wammy.

 "Look honey, here's the voucher from my Grandmothers bank. I can pay you back I swear!"  He was desperate for money at the time. He had no job and no where to live. He wanted me to put him up in a hotel room (again)

"I don't know why I sent that email. I just wanted to look better off". This was said after I found an email to a former workmate of his. He sent her an email showing her the house we were renting a ROOM in and a picture of our landlords Truck AS IF IT WAS HIS OWN! In fact, he said in the email (and I quote) check out my new ride! BTW, email is still in my possession as proof.

These are just a few examples of his lying and manipulation. And like I posted before, I can work on forgiving....but I will never forget. I WILL forgive MYSELF for being "duped". But I will NEVER forgive HIM for his lying. It was intentional, thought out, and precise. I have done a lot of crying over this issue. And I'm sure I have a lot more to go, but I'm getting there. Every time I cry, I feel a little bit better. And lately it's becoming leaps and bounds better. I cry when I need to. Wherever I am. If I'm in a public place, I simply keep my head down while the tears fall until I can find somewhere secluded. Then I let it go.

I don't cry for him. I cry for ME. This is MY pain. Why did I tolerate this for so long? Why did I turn a blind eye? Why did I accept his flimsy excuses/reasons? What was it that kept making me make excuses for him? I've found the answer. Stockholm Syndrome

 But that is something left for another post. I've done what I can for today. The rock is out of the Wagon and I am feeling better. There. Done.

Book Recommendation

Although I have read a few books on this subject, I am promoting this one here on my blog. The author, Thomas Sheridan, has become a friend of mine (at least I like to think that). He has proven to be a rock of solid, authentic, and proven facts about PD's,  interwoven with care and empathy. I respect his opinion greatly.

When I heard of his book coming out I was so excited! Amazon is offering this book at such an amazingly affordable price I can't HELP but suggest it to everyone and anyone. The first few pages that Amazon offer you to read as a "peek" really offer a good insight into the book itself.

Easy to read, put in everyday words, and with the ability to understand the complexities of these disorders is certainly something everyone will be able to walk away with.

Good Luck and Good Reading!

Puzzling People: The Labyrinth of the Psychopath

I can work on forgiving - But I will NEVER forget

 Bet you thought this blog post was going to be about forgiving him didn't you? HA! Never! This is about ME forgiving ME. 

Someone once said that not forgiving someone for their wrong doings is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Well, although I find that a rather amusing analogy, it doesn't ring true for me. I only forgive someone when there is no malice within the action. If they truly didn't mean to hurt me, come to me as an adult to my face and apologize, I will forgive them. As long as the act wasn't pre-meditated, planned, thought out, or otherwise constructed, I will forgive them. I will believe it was an honest mistake. The difference here between a normal person who hurts another and a Sociopath/Psychopath is that the only time the Sociopath/Psychopath think of YOUR feelings is when they are concerned the outcome of their actions won't produce the objective they are aiming for. So they 'figure out' just how to 'construct' the lie.

I listen a lot closer to how people apologize to me now. I take a closer look at the situation as well. Never again will I simply accept an apology for bad behavior simply BECAUSE it's an apology. I've learned that an apology is as easily falsified as the original misdeed.

Sociopath's and Psychopaths don't have a moral bone in their body. The only time they SEEM to show remorse is when they feel backed into a corner with no way out. Then they HAVE to admit they did something wrong. But, the way they apologize is always construed with you being at fault to some degree. They can never....and I mean never...take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for what they've done. EVER.

They live by a "code of rules" I've learned. They all do. They all have a pattern they follow:

Biderman's Chart of Coercion:

• Isolation: Deprives the victim of all social support necessary for the ability to resist.
  Develops an intense concern for self.
  Causes victims to depend on the victimizer.
  
• Monopolization of Perception: Fixes attention upon immediate predicament and fosters introspection.
  Eliminates stimuli competing with those controlled by the captor.
  Frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance.
  
• Induced Debility &Exhaustion: Weakens mental and physical ability to resist.
  
• Threats: Cultivates anxiety and despair.
  
• Occasional Indulgences: Provides positive motivation for continued compliance.
  
• Demonstrating “Omnipotence”: Suggests futility of resistance.
  
• Enforcing Trivial Demands: Develops habits of compliance
  
• Degradation: Makes cost of resistance appear more damaging to the self-esteem than capitulation
  Reduces prisoner to, “animal level” concerns.

Food For Thought: Emotional abuse is crippling. It robs a person of their self-esteem, the ability to think rationally, confidence in themselves and their independence and autonomy.If your spouse’s words and behaviors has caused any of the following feelings it is time to seek help:

• Isolation from others, you rarely see friends and family.
• Excessive dependence on him/her.
• You constantly think about saying or doing the right thing so that your spouse does not become upset.
• You live in the moment, unable to plan ahead because you fear your spouse’s response to any plans or ideas you have. Any action you take is criticized unless it is one of compliance to his/her desires.
• You feel as if you don’t have the energy it would take to fight back against their controlling behavior. You doubt your ability to stand-up and speak your own mind and express your own opinions.
• You feel a sense of depression and anxiety most of the time.
• You feel as if anything you do or say will be meant with anger or dismissal. Your feelings and desires just don’t seem to matter to your spouse.

I am much more aware of the traits above now. I will carry this "lesson" he taught me for the rest of my life. It hasn't stopped me from making meaningful relationships in the least. I'm just more educated and cautious now.
So, I am working on forgiving MYSELF. 10 years is a long time to be manipulated by someone. And when you couple that with clearing out my closet of my other N relationships, that's a lot of work. I am working on forgiving myself............

But I will NEVER forget