Lying. Wow. Now this is another pretty big rock to come out of my Little Red Wagon. Lying is something I abhor. I have never tolerated it in the past, but came to "accept" it during my relationship with the ex. I made excuses for it in my head. It never sat well with me tho, so in order to not fight with myself, I learned to just not ask. Or pry. Or become inquisitive. It saved my heart. It saved us fighting. It saved disruption in the house. Or so I thought. I killed me a little more each day.
I had caught him in so many lies in the beginning. And over time he just simply got 'better' at it. More covert. More convincing. I don't know if he got more convincing because he got better, or because I was turning a blind eye more. So it just SEEMED like he was getting more convincing. Or both. Perpetual lying from another person causes you to do things you wouldn't normally do. Normally, I would NEVER think of invading someone else's privacy. I expect my personal space to be respected and as such I extend that to others as well. But in the case of trying to make sure he was being honest, I learned to "dig" into his computer. I did NOT want to find anything. I would have rather had to string myself up with a rope to punish myself than to find out he was STILL lying. I had convinced myself I was doing it to prove to myself that he was indeed telling me the truth. Of course, every time I was proven wrong. So guess what I did to avoid the pain any longer? At the time, I thought it was the best thing for me....in hindsight, I realize it was the worst. I simply stopped looking. Gave it up. Woke up one day and said "no more". Either trust the man, or walk away. Because my love was still so deep I chose trust. I knew it was foolish. But my heart outweighed my head.
I myself am a miserable lair. Its on my face. In my tone. My body screams at you that I'm lying. I even have a problem with 'little white lies'. Hell, I have a hard time calling the Utility Companies to extend a payment with a White Lie! I am so grateful that I did not loose that quality. Lying to me is still a thorn and always will be.
The reason for this post on lying is because of something I read today in my email. I felt it was another stone for me to work on getting out of my Wagon. Part of the email is below:
I'd like to describe to you what I believe the categories of lying are, and why they create damage in relationships.
Malicious Lying
Malicious lying is narcissistic (self-serving without consideration for others) in nature, and the reasons behind it are: I'm not an authentic person who can get my needs met by being real. My real (damaged) self is unacceptable. I have to be a constructed false-self to get what I want from life.
This is the most dangerous version of liar and constitutes a person that you cannot have a healthy relationship with.
Malicious lying has the following characteristics:
- Lying in order to avoid scrutiny or accountability
- Lying about previous and present life details, such as accomplishments and associates
- Using fabricated evidence as ammunition
- Making false promises that aren't upheld
- Lying in order to receive acclaim, notoriety or attention
- Lying to gain the upper hand
- 'Gaslighting' (creating false evidence in order to confuse or distress others)
- Making false threats in order to intimidate
- Fabricating evidence in order to blame others
- Telling someone what they wish to hear and then continuing the poor behaviour
- Proclaiming undying love, which actions don't support, when trying to re-gain connection
- Twisting facts in order to manipulate
Any adult that is operating as a malicious liar does not want to be accountable and does not want to be real. The underlying fear of being real (I'm unacceptable) is too powerful. Many a person has tried to sort out a malicious liar (myself included), believing that you're doing them a favor, and their life will be happier when they stop lying. Really what is going on is: I'm trying to stop you lying so that I can feel happy, safe and loved. The mistake is: we believe our happiness depends on this person getting their act together, rather than realizing that we are the source of our own safety and truth.
Trying to 'fix' a malicious liar equals 'How to Lose'. A malicious liar does not want you sorting out their life, and will only intensify their lying in order to avoid being real. In fact they will resent your interference and will punish you with further evasion, lies and blame for their behaviour. My suggestion is always the same: Get out! Use the experience to heal the reasons why YOU aren't aligning with a REAL and supportive relationship. Because when you do, you'll never attract, tolerate and struggle with a liar again.
Now we can move on to white lies, which many people believe are acceptable, and may even consider as healthy and preferable.
White Lying
White lying has the following characteristics:
Lying in order to 'people please' and 'be liked'
- Lying in order to avoid other's disapproval
- Lying in order to spare other people's feelings
Lying in order to please others is not authentic, nor is it healthy to tell other people what they wish to hear. We're not only denying our ability to be real, we're also not offering genuine feedback that can grant other's the ability to grow and heal their 'stuff'.
"At least I've owned my own house!" Said at the top of his lungs during a very heated argument. Come to find out later, he never owned a home. In fact never really had a rental history. But he was good at not only lying, but using it to verbally chastise me. So it was a double wammy.
"Look honey, here's the voucher from my Grandmothers bank. I can pay you back I swear!" He was desperate for money at the time. He had no job and no where to live. He wanted me to put him up in a hotel room (again)
"I don't know why I sent that email. I just wanted to look better off". This was said after I found an email to a former workmate of his. He sent her an email showing her the house we were renting a ROOM in and a picture of our landlords Truck AS IF IT WAS HIS OWN! In fact, he said in the email (and I quote) check out my new ride! BTW, email is still in my possession as proof.
These are just a few examples of his lying and manipulation. And like I posted before, I can work on forgiving....but I will never forget. I WILL forgive MYSELF for being "duped". But I will NEVER forgive HIM for his lying. It was intentional, thought out, and precise. I have done a lot of crying over this issue. And I'm sure I have a lot more to go, but I'm getting there. Every time I cry, I feel a little bit better. And lately it's becoming leaps and bounds better. I cry when I need to. Wherever I am. If I'm in a public place, I simply keep my head down while the tears fall until I can find somewhere secluded. Then I let it go.
I don't cry for him. I cry for ME. This is MY pain. Why did I tolerate this for so long? Why did I turn a blind eye? Why did I accept his flimsy excuses/reasons? What was it that kept making me make excuses for him? I've found the answer. Stockholm Syndrome
But that is something left for another post. I've done what I can for today. The rock is out of the Wagon and I am feeling better. There. Done.
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