Bet you thought this blog post was going to be about forgiving him didn't you? HA! Never! This is about ME forgiving ME.
Someone once said that not forgiving someone for their wrong doings is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Well, although I find that a rather amusing analogy, it doesn't ring true for me. I only forgive someone when there is no malice within the action. If they truly didn't mean to hurt me, come to me as an adult to my face and apologize, I will forgive them. As long as the act wasn't pre-meditated, planned, thought out, or otherwise constructed, I will forgive them. I will believe it was an honest mistake. The difference here between a normal person who hurts another and a Sociopath/Psychopath is that the only time the Sociopath/Psychopath think of YOUR feelings is when they are concerned the outcome of their actions won't produce the objective they are aiming for. So they 'figure out' just how to 'construct' the lie.
I listen a lot closer to how people apologize to me now. I take a closer look at the situation as well. Never again will I simply accept an apology for bad behavior simply BECAUSE it's an apology. I've learned that an apology is as easily falsified as the original misdeed.
Sociopath's and Psychopaths don't have a moral bone in their body. The only time they SEEM to show remorse is when they feel backed into a corner with no way out. Then they HAVE to admit they did something wrong. But, the way they apologize is always construed with you being at fault to some degree. They can never....and I mean never...take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for what they've done. EVER.
They live by a "code of rules" I've learned. They all do. They all have a pattern they follow:
Biderman's Chart of Coercion:
- Isolation: Deprives the victim of all social support necessary for the ability to resist.
Develops an intense concern for self.
Causes victims to depend on the victimizer.
- Monopolization of Perception: Fixes attention upon immediate predicament and fosters introspection.
Eliminates stimuli competing with those controlled by the captor.
Frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance.
- Induced Debility &Exhaustion: Weakens mental and physical ability to resist.
- Threats: Cultivates anxiety and despair.
- Occasional Indulgences: Provides positive motivation for continued compliance.
- Demonstrating “Omnipotence”: Suggests futility of resistance.
- Enforcing Trivial Demands: Develops habits of compliance
- Degradation: Makes cost of resistance appear more damaging to the self-esteem than capitulation
Reduces prisoner to, “animal level” concerns.
- Isolation from others, you rarely see friends and family.
- Excessive dependence on him/her.
- You constantly think about saying or doing the right thing so that your spouse does not become upset.
- You live in the moment, unable to plan ahead because you fear your spouse’s response to any plans or ideas you have. Any action you take is criticized unless it is one of compliance to his/her desires.
- You feel as if you don’t have the energy it would take to fight back against their controlling behavior. You doubt your ability to stand-up and speak your own mind and express your own opinions.
- You feel a sense of depression and anxiety most of the time.
- You feel as if anything you do or say will be meant with anger or dismissal. Your feelings and desires just don’t seem to matter to your spouse.
So, I am working on forgiving MYSELF. 10 years is a long time to be manipulated by someone. And when you couple that with clearing out my closet of my other N relationships, that's a lot of work. I am working on forgiving myself............
But I will NEVER forget
A psychopath sees forgiveness as a human weakness - something he\she can rely on later.
ReplyDeleteForgive yourself for allowing a psychopath to take control of you and manipulate you... but never forgive a psychopath. Just expose them.
Rob, I did try the forgive part towards him. Especially after learning of this disorder. I felt it was as if I wouldn't forgive someone who couldn't hear me because they were deaf.
ReplyDeleteThen as I learned more, I found that this Cluster B co-morbid personality disorder is NOT without conscience, and then, like so many others, turned the anger on myself.
Forgiving myself has actually been harder than trying / learning to forgive him! But I have, and I've turned the tables of love, compassion and understanding inward. How Liberating that has become! It has freed me up from the ever present "why" question, and has allowed me the opportunity to become happy again. After 10 years of oppression and then the shock of being discarded it has melted away and my soul is once again free.
So Forgive? That's ONLY for myself.....Forget? Never! Growing up you are taught to LEARN from your mistakes right? To not make the same one's again? So you can move forward? Then why would I ever want to forget! Move on, yes. Learn from the experience, yes.
But I'll never forget....I think all of us who have been thru this should get the Purple Heart of Bravery!! We have gone to war, and made it out alive and intact.