WHAT and WHY

Below is from this article
“Since my trauma my identity seems to have splintered into several fragments. I don’t have separate personalities, just individual selves that represent different reactions to what occurred. There’s the survivor self, the wounded self, the warrior-healer self, the traumatized self and the nihilistic self. I no longer have a grip on one single identity; I don’t know which of these selves I’m supposed to be.”

Ahhhhhh, PTSD. Gotta love it. Gotta hate it. The quote above seems to put it into pretty clear perspective for me. It was always hard to explain to "outsiders" what was going on inside with my emotions. This seemed to hit the nail on the head.


Whether your with someone who has a PD for a few months or a few years or even longer (as in my case) the trauma can be devastating. We are all different, and we all have different tolerance levels. I don't discount anyone's trauma they live thru from these people. Ever. Because they get inside and screw you up so badly, so thoroughly, so completely, so UTTERLY that the pieces are almost impossible to put back together.

Below is from this blog
A borderline disordered individual is like a computer virus that starts out as benign or innocuous, and then damages your entire system. Internet worms can show up in a harmless email--but when you open it, you're infected. This malicious virus screws with your PC's functions and programs, to where you can barely navigate--and ultimately crashes your hard drive. This is literally what happens to your mind, body and spirit when you've had exposure to the Borderline's toxicity for any length of time; you risk a system melt-down.

And this is what happened to me. I had a system melt-down. I couldn't get a grip on what was happening to me. I seemed to have lost all sense of self-pride, emotional strength was gone, I had no drive to even get up in the morning, all I wanted to do was figure out WHAT was going on and WHY! Oh, then those things haunt you for the first few months! WHAT and WHY. Two words that just don't seem to leave your brain. But this is all because Sociopaths/Psychopaths/Narcissist's/Emotional Vampires don't let you have closure. It's simply a 'change of scene' and your the odd man out. They've moved on to their next victim and your left standing there wondering WTF just happened? So, you try (like all rational adults) to make sense of it, and you start with...


1. What just happened?
2. Why did this happen?
3. What could I have done different?
4. What didn't I do?
5. What did I do?


And then when you stumble upon information about Personality Disorders, either by a friend, a co-worker, a counselor, whomever tells you that THAT seems to be the problem, then you start researching. And your WHAT and WHY starts to take on a new 'tone' of shock and amazement. And then you go thru....


1. What was I thinking?
2. Why did I let this happen?
3. Why did I do this?
4. Why did I do that?


You turn on yourself....LITERALLY. Because in your reading and learning you discover that the Personality Disorder they have is not curable. Let me state that again...NOT CURABLE! EVER! So all that time you were making 'excuses' for them, for 'turning a blind eye' to there actions, for 'ignoring' your gut, for 'fighting the good fight' and staying (just one more day, or one more week, or one more year) hoping against hope that maybe something ANYTHING will help them "snap out of it" was never going to happen. 

So you turn on yourself and become your own worst enemy. And your life, as you know it, is gone....forever. You are and will never be the person who walked into that relationship. You've changed. And right now it feels like you've changed for the worst. Your a basket case, you can barely function thru the day. You can't eat. You can't sleep. You search the internet, talk to friends, get therapy, go on anti-anxiety meds. It's a chore some days just to unload the dishwasher. And all the while you are learning about this disorder, you are blaming yourself. Not for the disorder, but for tolerating it. For trying so hard to win such an utterly loosing battle. All those years just seem to have been such a WASTE of time and energy.


And I quote:

In the aftermath of this break-up, you could be needing some sort of closure to help you come to grips with his/her sudden departure. You may have tried to initiate dialogues to help you gain some understanding about their swift exit, and mitigate the shame you're feeling after being abruptly discarded. It makes no sense whatsoever, that only hours ago, your Borderline professed their undying love for you--and now you're abandoned and alone!

Unfinished business of this type haunts us, like nothing else can--especially when mass confusion is a part of the mix. If our ex-lover agrees to speak to us, they'll make us believe that we're at fault for their leaving. While it may be true that we made contributions to the relationship upsets--a Borderline has to make it sound as if it was all our doing! They'll typically pick one or two things you did (or didn't do), that forced them to jump ship. This is their trump card, which puts the blame back on you, whenever you confront their mixed messages, infidelities, lies, broken promises/commitments, etc.

So the WHAT and the WHY have now changed for me. It's taken me almost a year to do it, but then 10 years with a manipulative man with a PD will do that to ya. My WHAT and WHY are now:

1. WHAT do I want to accomplish today?

and

2. WHY not just do it?

Because the world is open to me now. I'm still just taking what I consider baby steps, but at least now there in a forward motion. No more standing still or going backwards. I still have my days, there not as bad as they used to be but I still have them. There also fewer and farther between. That give's me more time to enjoy and cherish the good ones!

Tonight I just wanted to get this out. Next post will be removing another rock from my Little Red Wagon. Because that my friend is the good fight I'm fighting now...unloading my Little Red Wagon. 

My Little Red Wagon

I was talking to a friend of mine today, and we were discussing accepting and owning our own feelings. Not to such a degree to run roughshod over others, but to no bury them. That's been something I now know was ingrained in me ever since I was a little girl. My feelings are not important, or I was too emotional, or I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. Which coincidentally are the same things that my exN said to me as well. And in the exploration of ME and the "making sense of" the NON-relationship I was in for 10 years I have taken the hard look backwards.....WAY backwards!

My friend told me of something her mother taught her many years ago. That our 'issues', whatever they may be, are like a little red wagon filled with rocks. And if that wagon gets too full, we can't move. That's when it seems like our lives are stagnate and we feel paralyzed. It's because our "little red wagon" is filled to the brim, and we need to clear out some of the rocks. Each rock is a "something" that we carry around with us. Whether it's guilt over a situation, or anger, or frustration at ourselves or someone else, whatever the negative emotion is, it's a "rock" in our wagon. My wagon has been filled to the brim now. It's time I start letting go of some of these rocks. It's time to turn around, pick a rock (a situation) take it OUT of the wagon, set it down on the sidewalk, say in a loud firm voice, "I'M DONE" and move on.

My first rock to come out is going to be the HUGE BOULDER I have in there over my guilt and anger at MYSELF for staying is such a destructive relationship for so long. I need to forgive myself for that. I'm so NOT ready to forgive HIM for the things he did, but I can forgive myself.

A Narcissist will make you feel crazy, unsure of yourself, doubt your self-confidence and self-worth. They will find your inner core and manipulate it in such a way that it becomes something you don't know or can't find. You will find yourself making so many excuses for their behavior that you feel like you've lost who you are! I've compromised my core values. I put aside my morals. In making excuses for his behavior I was loosing myself. I kept thinking, maybe a better job will help him. Maybe when he get's a little older he'll learn to 'mellow out'. Maybe if he can just get past the awful memories of his childhood he'll learn to become happy.

But then what happens is when THOSE things don't work, and he doesn't start changing, you start to turn on yourself. And start thinking things like, maybe if I work harder and bring in more money. Maybe if I give him more attention. Maybe if I make it more of a point to stroke his ego more. How can I make him feel more like a man? How can I show him he really IS the man he claims he wants to be. Why can't he see that? How am I not showing that to him?

This is where the seriously dangerous part comes in. This is where you REALLY start loosing yourself. Because you are so worried about what YOU can do to "fix" this person you loose site of your own individuality. Who had time for themselves when their so busy worrying about someone else? And where is it written that you CAN or are even RESPONSIBLE to "fix" someone else? All we can do as human beings is offer suggestions, help when we can, be there as a friend when needed AND THATS IT! We can't FIX anyone!

But they make us want to. They put us on a pedestal so high that when we come down (and we all do) the only thing on our minds is to get back up there. And not only is this the way they operate, but they make us feel like it's OUR fault we fell off. My ex was great at that. In looking back, my ex had me up that pedestal and off that pedestal so often I can't even count. And when we are off that "peak" we are downtrodden so hard, emotionally beaten so deeply, that it makes it all the more imperative to get back up there. Because the weather up there is so much NICER than down here. And we don't care about all the "red flags" we're getting while where "on the ground"...we just want back up! A quote from a site I frequent puts it perfectly:

So you're damned if you take a stand for yourself--and damned if you don't. Sitting with that debilitating guilt you feel after one of those bouts, and the ways you punish yourself for these outbursts, is more painful than numbing- out with booze or pot, giving in--and just not making waves. And that's the rub that keeps you with this twisted, tormenting individual.
Full Article Here 

 So from my Little Red Wagon I'm going to do everything I can to remove the boulder size rock I have in there about staying in this twisted relationship so long. I'm going to see myself turn around, bend from the knees (cause it's a boulder), lift it out of my wagon and place it on the sidewalk. There. I'm done.

I was Molded

Wow, just that title gives me the shakes! It's a hard pill to swallow when you come out of a relationship with a PD person and really ask yourself the tough questions. How did I let this happen:? Why did I let this happen? Where were my boundaries? Why did I compromise my moral and value system? Along with the typical, Who Am I question. Because we all know after being with a PD person you loose your sense of identity. Your world get so wrapped around their needs, their rage's (and how to avoid them) their wants, their desires...you completely loose who YOU are. So many of us, after this ordeal, go 'within' to look for answers. This is what I have been trying to do for longer than I care to admit. I started looking within during the relationship. I was asking myself questions like, why am I still here? Why don't I just leave? Why, if I'm so damned unhappy do I stay?

I remember on my 50th birthday, taking my daughter into my bedroom to talk with her. I was going thru a lot of emotional crap being as it was a milestone birthday. And all I could think of was, "OMG, PLEASE don't let her end up unhappy like I am!" So thru streaming tears I told her to please always follow her heart, trust her heart AND her gut...and listen to herself. If she feels something is wrong, then something is wrong. Period. End of statement.

I follow a blog called "Emerging from Broken". She's a wonderful writer, going thru her own self-exploration and I gain a lot of courage and strength from her. Although our stories are different, our end goal is the same. To become Healthy, Emotionally Strong, and Happy People. She is clearing out her skeletons from her closet, and I am doing the same with mine. Although I will refer back to my time with the exN, that will be because of a trigger that day. Or a situation that came up that reminded me of something. Either way, whatever it is, I am going to be working on ME and the ME I want to be.

There was a post on Emerging From Broken that actually sparked the reason for this particular post today. The paragraph went as follows:

It wasn’t just the trauma event that I had to look at in order to face the pain of my past, it was the belief system that I developed. In looking at the grid that I put things through and how that grid got set in place I was able to realize that certain foundational beliefs were WRONG. 

This is something I am learning to deal with myself. Whilst learning about the PD my exN has, I have opened up so many new doors to myself! One of the hardest things to do is to look at yourself. And I mean really look. Deep inside. And find out why and when and where this all started. And to take the blame away from yourself. I want to grow, to learn, and to make the rest of my time here to be enriching for both myself and everyone I come in contact with. I haven't lost faith in humanity. I have met a lot of wonderful people on my journey. Although this journey is emotionally painful, I wouldn't trade it for the world!!!

Well, we'll see how this works

First time posting from the phone. lol Trying to get the hang of this swipe thingy. And since im probably going to be blogging from my phone I better get used to it. But so far, with this post its kinda fun!

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

This song still rings true.....9 months later, every day I get a little bit stronger.

He's Going to be Different with YOU.......

YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE SO SPECIAL.....THAT IT WON'T HAPPEN WITH YOU. HE'LL BE DIFFERENT WITH YOU, RIGHT?

You two have a "connection," a rapport that he didn't have with his ex. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he? Sure, he said the same things to *her* when he got together with her (and then grew to hate so many things about her), but it's different with you. He couldn't possibly be operating from scripts anymore. And it's so nice to finally have someone YOU can lean on, isn't it? It's hard being on your own, building a career, managing a household, and doing it all yourself. All of a sudden, here's this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did. Knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner. He couldn't possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer, because he knows that's where you are vulnerable. He couldn't be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for, because it's part of his patterns. Just because he did that with the women that came before you, doesn't mean he's doing that with you. He's really sincere this time.

He's told you all his deep dark secrets (at least, all the ones he thinks can win him sympathy and attention). He's acknowledged how he behaved badly in the past (even though it was brought out by who he was with). You two must have a very special connection for him to be so open and "honest". And he seems to be remorseful, so that must mean he won't do that kind of thing again, right? Not with you. You're special. So what if he told his ex the same kinds of deep, dark secrets, opened up in the same way? So what if he exhibited the same kind of remorse for things he did to partners before HER? So what if he told her all the same sob stories and pretended to be working on his shit with her? So what if he lied to her and others? He really means it this time, with you.

He says things are going to be different with YOU. Even though he SAYS he accepts responsibility for his actions, he also says that it was really things in HER that brought out his bad behavior. He's not going to be like that with YOU. Sure, he said the same things to HER, but this time he'll be different, because he's told you how YOU are different from her. (So what if he's told other people how you remind him of HER? That doesn't mean he's following the same old patterns, targeting the same types of women. That doesn't mean that he'll be turn abusive with YOU at some point...) He's such a sweet, wonderful, helpful guy, it MUST have been something in HER that caused him to act badly, right?

So what if he was busy cutting her down behind her back with their mutual friends while he was telling her she was the "best thing that ever happened to him", and that he had "never loved anyone as much as he loved her"? That doesn't mean he still has the capacity to be manipulative and dishonest and cruel. He was just confused, the poor man. And besides, he won't be like that anymore, with the right woman to love him and dote on him. She just didn't give him the kind of attention he really needed. But YOU will. So he'd NEVER do that to YOU.

So what if it was less than a year after breaking off with his ex before he got together with you? It's not like an abuser should spend a few years in therapy, and work on his stuff before getting involved in another intimate relationship, right? I mean, after over 4 decades abuse and being an abuser, he can get himself fixed up enough to stop harming others in a just few months, with the right woman to rescue, er, "help" him.

And those stories of how his ex-wife emotionally abandoned him... He's just had it so ROUGH all his life! He told you how she didn't even try to keep the marriage together or say that she wanted to try to salvage their relationship when he said he wanted to separate. She was just so unfeeling! The poor man - here he was trying so HARD and all! It couldn't possibly be that SHE was so emotionally beaten down by his behavior that she was RELIEVED when he wanted to leave... He couldn't have been emotionally abusive and dishonest with HER too! If his ex-wife didn't trust him, it had nothing to do with HIM and his behavior - it must have been HER issues.

So what if he USED YOU to break a trust with a woman he was already seeing? It's not like they were actually *partners* or anything! She was just convenient for hurting his ex (he set her up really nicely to do that a couple of times), getting attention, an ego stroke, and occasional sex while he was waiting for the *right* woman to show up. Since you came along, he doesn't need her anymore. He's got YOU to feed his ego. And breaking her trust was a convenient way to ensure that he wouldn't have to bother with her anymore and could focus on YOU. He did it so carefully too. (He knows that it's the series of "gentle" cuts that leave the most stinking wounds.) That way, SHE would be the one saying she didn't want to have anything to do with HIM, and he could blame HER for why they can't still be friends. Isn't he clever? What a creative way to get rid of someone when they are no longer useful!

And if this most recent woman doesn't want to see him anymore or even be friends with him, it must be because she is jealous of the wonderful relationship you and HE have! It must be because he dumped her for you, and she's just not big enough to accept that. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the WAY he did things or tried to blame HER for his behavior. It couldn't have anything to do with him LYING to her and using her, and having a hidden agenda of expectations that he told her she just wasn't living up to. Nope. That would be his old M.O. playing out again, and he was a changed man by the time he met you. So it couldn't be THAT.

Besides, even if she deeply cared about him, he didn't have the same deep feelings for her, so that makes it ok to have sex with you, before talking to HER about it, right? He was just so TAKEN with you! Doesn't that just make you feel all . . . oh, I don't know - SPECIAL? She just wasn't long term partner material, and he made that clear to her anyway. If she knew he didn't have the same feelings, and was willing to continue to be used by him because she had fallen in love with him, who was HE to turn down that kind of attention and strokes? It's not like he had any responsibility to not take advantage of someone who was emotionally vulnerable or anything. And he broke things off with her eventually. He just didn't tell her about you and the sex stuff right away because he wanted to *protect* her from getting hurt. What a GREAT guy! See, he really did have amazing consideration for HER feelings! Withholding information isn't the same as LYING or anything. That's not dishonest, right? It couldn't possibly be that he was deliberately stringing her along until he was sure YOU were hooked. No. He's too sweet and charming and nice for that. He was just CONFUSED about his feelings, that's all. Besides, it's not like you two had UNPROTECTED sex before he told her about you, so that he could use you (the way he used HER) to break THAT trust as well... Even if he's BROKEN A SACRED TRUST THIS SAME WAY, SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE (with other partners and lovers), he wouldn't be repeating the same old abuse patterns with you. 

You're special. 

And even if he WAS being dishonest at the start of your relationship, he lied to someone ELSE. It's not like he was dishonest with YOU (that you know of, yet), so that makes it OK, right? (So what if ms-non-partner-material thought the same thing, and excused him, the first time she found out he was dishonest with her? This time, he will be different, because he really LOVES you.)

Of course, he told you how his last sex partner said she didn't think it would last between you two (when he broke it off with her)... but he couldn't be using THAT as a ploy to hook you further (wanting to prove her wrong). So what if he used exactly the same line on each new mark in the past, telling the next one in line that the previous one didn't believe the two of you could last? He wouldn't be using LINES and PLOYS and subtle MANIPULATION on YOU...

Even if in his past, he DID say,

"Some of the problems I bring about by vamping, pumping up the emotional content of a situation. Of course that's easy to do with a new friend. I have a stock of techniques and behaviors, tested. I'm also inventive ... so I pick up new techniques fairly quickly...

It's just I'd rather enjoy the "romance". It comes naturally to me. I enjoy doing it. It's also a head trip for me, with my poor self esteem, to have someone so taken with me. I like the first results, the joyous feelings, the elation, the euphoria, just not where it leads."

... he couldn't possibly still have been doing that with her, or even YOU. He has REAL, deep feelings for you. You've even seen him cry and show his vulnerable side. That MUST mean he's sincere, right? He couldn't possibly be using YOU for an ego stroke. Not the man YOU know.

He's just so caring and sensitive and considerate. He's so sweet, rubbing cream into your hands and feet at night, sending you little cards, reading to you in the afternoon, doing all those romantic things. He really does seem too good to be true - cooking, cleaning, intelligent, literate, creative, affectionate. So what if he was like that for the first year or so with her too... before the subtle patterns of abuse started to creep in? So what if all that "wonderful" behavior shifted until he was telling her he loved her one day and then telling others how horrible she was behind her back the next? He wouldn't do that to you too, down the road. She must have brought it out in him. He couldn't possibly be playing the same game over and over again, with you as the next target. All those wonderful things he has done - all the romantic things, all the ways he has helped out and called, and done things for you, they couldn't all be just scripts. "Stock Techniques" for hooking. No. This time, he's sincere. This time he'll be different, with you.

So what if he has been incapable of honesty and integrity all his life? So what if he actually admitted to his ex (just about the time you two met): "I am afraid of truth-tellers. I have so many lies in my past and present. The truth burns." That couldn't mean that he was telling lies to YOU. After all, he was so HONEST about his dishonesty so THAT'S got to count for something... It must mean he realizes his mistakes and won't make the same ones again, right? The fact that he acknowledges things is so CONVINCING. If he acknowledges it, then he couldn't possibly STILL do those sorts of things. Sure, sure. He had HER convinced too. But he couldn't possibly be STILL lying to YOU. 

You're special. 

 So what if he "helped" a vulnerable friend by encouraging her to break her marriage vows, exacerbating her marital problems, and then abandoning her when she asked if he could be there for her? He needed an ego stroke and she was conveniently there and conveniently vulnerable from a death in the family. So what if he undermined his ex's support network. 

So what if he used and was abusive to his life-partner's children in order to get back at his her? Hurting and using kids is excusable, right? (After all, she must have deserved it. THEY must have deserved it. Right? Because he really DOES love kids... or at least, that's what he has said...) The guy YOU know could never be like that. And... well... even if he WAS, he's obviously changed. He's undergone a miraculous transformation in just one year. He's just shed ALL those abusive patterns and become a NEW man. He's going to be completely different, with you.

Yeah, sure, he might have done those kinds of things in the past, but the past is the past, right? It doesn't have any danger of repeating itself with you. Just because all those other women were "damaged", doesn't mean that he will someday be telling people how damaged YOU are...

Not YOU. You're SPECIAL. 

His love for you is so strong and your connection to each other is so different (at least, that's what he has told you, and you know you can trust him, right?), he wouldn't EVER do anything deliberately hurtful or malicious to YOU. He wouldn't undermine YOUR support network and use your friends to hurt YOU. He'd never make snide remarks about YOU behind your back and then make sure you found out about it. No no no. SHE must have brought that out in him.

But you, you're special. 

Besides, he's been in therapy. That must mean he's sincere, right? He wouldn't possibly be using the whole "therapy" thing as a cover-up to make himself look better because his reputation got damaged after the fiasco with his ex. He couldn't possibly be using contrition, and the "I feel so bad about myself"-line to get sympathy and support! He couldn't possibly be looking for a person to hook into that is in a different town so that she has less likelihood of finding out his past. He couldn't possibly be going after women who have a strong sense of personal responsibility because he knows how to manipulate that to try and get them to feel responsible for HIS sick feelings. He couldn't possibly be seeking out active, intelligent, dedicated women, so that he can PUNISH them when they don't direct all that energy to HIM. Just because he has engaged in such manipulative behavior in the past doesn't mean he would be doing that NOW.

Not with YOU. You're SPECIAL. 

He's so contrite and sincere about "working on his issues", he couldn't possibly be lying about that. Just because he has a history  of pathological lying to himself and others, doesn't mean he'll be that way with you. Besides, if he has deceived himself so completely that HE doesn't know it's a lie, then he can't be held accountable for it, right? He can always claim that he doesn't have good "memory" for things in the past. But don't worry. He won't use that sort of deception and evasion with YOU.

You're special. 

The poor guy just made bad choices before (you). Sure he made mistakes, but if most of his ex(s) don't want to have anything to do with him, and some now think he is mentally ill, it must be because THEY are unstable - I mean, look at how amazing and kind and charming he is with you... He couldn't possibly have been like that with them TOO... He wouldn't be using stock romance "lines" on YOU. 

This time, it's REALLY love. You're Special. 

Sure, he did a *few* things in his past that were unkind, but he needs to be forgiven for HIS behavior, (after all, she drove him to it), but HER mistakes and reactions to his abuse, were unforgivable. But things will be different with you. He won't think YOUR mistakes are unforgivable. He won't apply a double-standard to YOU. He won't expect YOU to be perfect and subtlelty criticize you when you don't measure up to his standards. You're the one who is going to change his life. And, of course, you keep your kitchen immaculate, so he'll have no reason to criticize THAT.

And speaking of unforgivable, of COURSE he can't forgive her for doing things that *hurt* him (he's so deeply sensitive, you see) - but he couldn't possibly have lied about the things he said she did. He couldn't possibly have "set up" situations so he could cry foul... He wouldn't have ENCOURAGED her to do things so he could later claim that he was hurt by her... And, well, even if he DID, maybe do that, he certainly won't do it with YOU. You're too special for that. Any time he tells you he's happy for you and he encourages you to do something, he'll REALLY mean it, with YOU. He won't create a revisionist fantasy of your past so that he can insist you did things to hurt him as a justification for his cruelty to you. He won't secretly resent you for not devoting all your time to him. Even if he DID do that with her, he won't do it with you. Especially after he makes all those sacrifices and moves in with you. He won't secretly be dependent on YOU for all his attention. He won't be more demanding of you and your time and resent you when you don't give it all to him. Not THIS time. 

You're SPECIAL. 

He's such a nice guy, he won't "help" you (especially unsolicited) and then have an unstated hidden agenda like he did with all the others. He's going to claim his right to be "selfish" now, because he's been so USED from all the excessive GIVING he did in the past that nobody really appreciated. The poor guy! He's never taken time to be selfish in the past - not even when he was sitting alone in his room, sucking off his hurts, or using other people. That wasn't selfish - that was just "acting out". But he's better now. Don't worry. He won't use his new-found right to be "selfish" against YOU. No. He really is a changed man, with you. With you he will give unconditionally.

It's no WONDER he behaved so badly! Look at how his ex was always hurting him, oppressing him with her refusal to live her life solely for him, expecting him to be honest with his feelings and actions, when he just wasn't ready. And besides, he just can't handle confrontation, you know? And like, she's just so SCARY when she's upset (it's just so unbeCOMing when women display any anger!) that he HAD to act that way. She actually raised her voice at times! Can you imagine? He had this abusive childhood, so nobody else is allowed to have anger except HIM. Because, like, he can't DEAL with it, and he shouldn't be expected to! He couldn't possibly have been projecting HIS issues on her so that someone else could have his anger FOR him, or so that he could get angry with someone other than himself! He couldn't possibly have been DELIBERATELY hitting all her hot buttons to hurt and upset her so he could lay blame. And, well, even if he DID do that for years, he won't do it anymore, with you.

And if somehow you accidentally do things that "trigger" his old abuse patterns, he'll be so sweet in telling you how you are doing things that remind him of her, so that YOU can change YOUR behavior. After all, you wouldn't want him to start acting abusive again because of something YOU did.

And you don't have to worry about that, because you'll never get upset with him, and you'll never challenge him to be honest or to accept responsibility for his actions. SHE did that, and it was "controlling," but it'll be different with you, because you know better. And you won't need to worry about calling him on his behavior anyway, because he'll NEVER lie to YOU. He'll always be completely honest and upfront with you. He won't have to "forget" any promises he made to YOU. If he is inconsiderate, it won't be DELIBERATE, with you. If he lied to her or anyone else, it was because they drove him to it. With you, he won't withhold information, or distort the truth. He won't break fundamental relationship agreements with YOU. He won't HAVE to, because you'll be right there validating him 24/7, supporting him and telling him how he's so CLEVER and BRAVE to have escaped such a horrible relationship, and how wonderful it is that he is working so HARD to overcome his terrible past!

And it's a good thing he's not going to do any of those things he might have done in the past, because then you won't have to worry about forgiving him. You see, she REPEATEDLY forgave him for the lies and the accidentally-on-purpose "mistakes", and all that did was make him feel bad about himself - that she could forgive and he couldn't. Wasn't that AWFUL of her to make him feel so bad that way? So she DESERVED to be punished even more. And she should NEVER have shown any guilt when he manipulated her. It just caused him to hurt her more. He told her it was "like blood in the water for sharks" for him. She should have known better. YOU know better. But then, he won't be manipulative and passive-aggressive with YOU. 

He'll be different with you. You're SPECIAL. 

And sure he made her work at the relationship when he wasn't really trying, but that wasn't being dishonest - he just didn't know what he really wanted, so that made it OK to put the burden of the relationship responsibility on her. Sure he admitted that he wanted her to make him the first priority in HER life, but he wasn't willing to afford her the same consideration. But that wasn't one of his patterns. He won't do that with YOU. Besides, he admitted his dishonest behavior after they broke up, so that makes it ok. It erases everything. His slate's clean. He even said he was sorry, months later, so that shows how sincere he was. He couldn't possibly still have been interlacing the apology with blame. He's not STILL acting manipulative and projecting issues.... and well, if he is, he's only doing that with HER because of their history - he wouldn't do that with YOU.

And it's so sweet how he still talks about how much he cared for his ex, how much he did for her out of love. Sometimes, he even talks fondly of his treasured memories of her, of how she "helped" him (when she wasn't hurting him, the witch) - that must mean he's a deep, sensitive guy, right? Maybe you can even "help" him to forgive her and heal from his terrible past... Just like SHE thought she could "help" him...

And besides, he did so many NICE things for her and all those other women. That should count for SOMETHING, right? It's not like he was emotionally abusive or manipulative ALL the time. So it kind of cancels things out, right? It's not like he HIT anyone or anything. At least the things he did didn't leave any VISIBLE marks. Besides, he probably just made honest mistakes, that's all. He couldn't have actually got off on seeing them hurt and crying. He wouldn't have LAUGHED condescendingly in someone's face while she was crying. Not the man YOU are involved with. HE certainly doesn't remember doing anything like that - and HIS memory is inviolate.

Even if he HAS been emotionally abusive and dishonest with others, he's going to be different with you. Especially after you two move in together. It IS especially hard on him having a long-distance relationship. He wouldn't be talking about how hard it is to keep up the intensity and connectedness over such a distance. He wouldn't be implying that the relationship might not last if you don't move in together... He wouldn't have some kind of hidden agenda around that. He wouldn't be trying to subtlety manipulate you, and get you worried about losing him, like he did with the others. He just REALLY CARES for you, and really wants the two of you to be together.

He's told you how different he feels with YOU. How DIFFERENT he IS with you. How HEALING your love is. How much he NEEDS you. What a WONDERFUL PERSON he thinks you are. How IMPORTANT you are in his life. How much he VALUES and APPRECIATES you, and misses you when you are not together. How amazingly TRANSFORMED he feels now that he has finally met someone as SPECIAL as YOU.

So what if he told her the same things? He really MEANS it this time, with you.

He's a changed person, (this time, for REAL) with you. You're special.

You don't need to talk to any of his ex's to find out what he was REALLY like, because the past is the past, right? You couldn't possibly learn anything from their experiences, because he's not going to be like that anymore. It couldn't possibly be that they have anything valid to say. Besides, you trust him to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH about his past (as far as he can "remember" it), right?

And he's such a sensitive, caring guy, he REALLY does wish he and his ex could be FRIENDS now. Even though he NEVER ONCE called her or emailed her and said, "Listen, I don't want it to end like this. Can we please talk?" (NEVER ONCE.) SHE is the one to blame for all the bad feelings. It was HER responsibility to rectify things with HIM. And he can't understand why she would have NO desire to have any contact with him, NO desire to have anything to do with him - after all he did for her, after what they had. After all, SHE is the one who did unforgivable things. He's so uncomfortable around her now, because of how much she hurt him. He wouldn't STILL be projecting HIS issues on her, and implying that they are HER issues... After all, he's a changed man.

But you don't have to worry. He won't PUBLICLY divulge YOUR insecurities or deeply intimate things you told him in confidence - he won't betray your trust - like he did with her. No matter what happens between you and him, you'll ALWAYS BE FRIENDS. You and he will always be able to work things out. So what if he said EXACTLY THE SAME THING TO HER (and all the others) too? It'll be different with you.

You're special. 

He won't wait a year or two before he starts in on YOU. He won't then use his knowledge of YOUR insecurities and emotional hot buttons to deliberately hurt YOU. He won't start using psychological warfare to couch his deliberately hurtful actions in social plausibility with YOU. He won't flirt with your close friends and use any attraction they might have to him, against YOU. NO. He won't tell you that you just weren't meeting his needs or living up to his expectations. He won't expect you to read his mind. He won't try to make it look like YOU are the reason he is unhappy, and YOU are the cause of your relationship problems. He won't set you up to get upset with him so that YOU are the one who breaks it off with him, (or you get so angry with him that he HAS to break it off with YOU) and HE looks like a martyr (AGAIN). So what if he made all the same promises to her? Just because he was following some of his old patterns when he got involved with you, doesn't mean he's going to follow through on the rest of them. He's CHANGED now. 

You're special. Just like SHE was when he was with HER. Just like they ALL thought they were. 

He's so sensitive and compassionate, he couldn't have talked coldly to them about killing animals or wanting to break someone's legs. No. Not the man YOU know. He's different with YOU.

And when he starts telling you how much he MISSES his son, it won't be to deflect, and distract you from being upset with him because he has just said or done something really inconsiderate or unkind. It won't be to evoke sympathy from you and get you thinking what a wonderful, caring parent he is. Just because he lived less than a mile away from his son and hardly ever SAW him doesn't mean that the "missing" monologue is for attention and redirection.

He's so nice right now, so supportive. So what if he was that way with her too at the beginning? He won't revert back to his headgames of praising and encouraging one minute and subtlety criticizing how you keep the house, the way you do things, things you say, in the next. He wouldn't yank YOUR chain like that.

He's so attentive right now, so interested in everything you say and do! He won't turn around one day and tell you he's NOT INTERESTED in the things that interest you, and then accuse you of not paying enough attention to HIM. He won't get mopey and upset because you get more attention than he does at social functions. He won't resent you for your charisma. Just because he did that before doesn't mean he's going to do it again with YOU. As long as you make sure HE is the center of attention, and he's getting his ego stroked, he probably won't get nasty with you... Right? It couldn't be that he is a bottomless pit, and that you can NEVER give him enough attention. Not the man YOU know. Not with YOU. 

You're special. 

And the fact that another woman's experience was so terrible with him, his distortions and multiple personalities so devastating that she felt compelled to warn other people about him and the "type" of abuser he is - well that's no consequence. It must have been *her* that brought it out in him. He's so different now that he's found YOU and your healing love. So what if he said the same kinds of things to her? You are going to ignore those nagging little doubts in the back of your mind, because you want to believe so badly in the sweet, helpful, romantic person he is portraying right now. You don't want to believe there is a dark malicious side to him that enjoys seeing others suffer. You want to believe you are special, and he is right there encouraging you, building you up, telling you how nobody understands him the way YOU do. He's telling you that he just wants to stop feeling BAD about himself (and she made him feel that way, the witch!). He's telling you that if he can't make it work with you, he's afraid he can't make it with ANYONE... It's so tragic... (Yeah, he said that to her too, but so what?)

YOU are the one who can "fix" his wounded ego. Your relationship with him will be So Much Better than his last ones, because you're special! With you, he'll be honest and straight-forward for the first time in his life. He won't become cruel or passive-aggressive. He won't play headgames anymore. He'll stop using and discarding people like old kleenex. He won't be rude or unkind or disrespectful like he was with those other women. HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, HE'S NOW A CHANGED MAN. (Changed for the better, of course.) Not because of therapy. Not because he's removed himself from relationships and taken some serious time to get his shit together. Not because he REALLY apologized (without interlacing it with blame) to anyone he harmed in the past, or made amends. Not because he's done any REAL work. Not because he's actually admitted to his real motivations, or made a single sincere change.

He just needed to find the RIGHT woman to "save" him from himself and "help" him become a better man, and that's YOU.

You just KNOW he'll be different with you. Right? 

Original Post 

The Truth Shall Set you Free.....

 

 

(and bite everyone else in their butts!)

This blog is not for me. This blog is for anyone who wants to know or compare or even just need validation of just how DAMAGING someone with a personality disorder can be once you have earned there wrath. It's not about HIM, it's about ME and what I went thru, the whole relationship, everything.

It's all the lie's, the manipulation, the gaslighting, the rage, the silent treatments, the stealing, and how it was all MY fault. He lied, cheated, abused me, stole from me, abandoned me during my toughest challenge's, had multiple affairs and broke every promise he ever made....so yes, he IS a bad guy!

This will be my story, the truth, the facts, and the documentation to back it up. To set the stage I would like to start with this article:

ABUSE CHANGES THE BRAINS OF VICTIMS

This commentary was published in The Fargo Forum on Sunday December 2, 2007.

Millions of women (and some men) live with repeated verbal assaults, humiliation, sexual coercion, and other forms of psychological abuse, often accompanied by economic exploitation. I've worked in organizations for 40 years as a leader and consultant, and I've never been in an organization that didn't have abuse as part of its dark side.

Yet few of the students had heard the term emotional abuse.� It remains one of a community's dirty, dark secrets. The community needs to illuminate its shadows.

We defined emotional abuse as the chronic use of words and acts (including body language) that devalue and frighten another person for the purpose of control. Emotional abusers rule the lives of victims through the power of words and actions and the constant implicit threat of physical assault.

Consummate name-callers, abusers criticize constantly nothing is ever good enough. They yell, scream, and drive the victims friends away to isolate her. They eavesdrop on phone conversations, censor mail, and expect instant responses to pages, cell phone calls, and instant messages. They control with lies, confusion, and contradictions; they make a person feel crazy. One abuser said to a victim: I had to keep you down. I was afraid you would outshine me.�

Victims of emotional abuse live in fear and repeatedly alter thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to avoid further abuse. They lose themselves. Emotional abuse, like brain washing, systematically wears away at the victims self-confidence, sense of self-worth, and trust in their own perceptions. Whether abused by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of guidance, teaching, or advice, the results remain the same: the victim of the abuse loses all sense of self and lives in confusion. The scars of emotional abuse may be far deeper and more lasting than physical wounds.

After our presentation, a man talked to me. He said, I see myself in the traits of abusers.� What did he see?

Abusers tend to have explosive tempers triggered by minor frustrations and arguments when their egos are threatened,

They are possessive and jealous: I own you. Where were you? Who were you with? What did you do?

Abusers tend to think too highly of themselves: arrogant, entitled, superior, and selfish, everything is always about them, and they always come first.

Abusers have a great capacity for self-deception: they play the victim, always have an excuse and deniability for their acts. They blame others for what goes wrong in their lives. They deny and distort their behavior and cannot give an accurate picture of themselves or of their partner.

They manipulate: they lie always, can be charming in public, and can convince others of their innocence--family, friends, judges, and lawyers get fooled by them everyday you must look at their behavior over time to see their patterns. (This is where this blog comes in, I had to get the pattern down to help me figure out was he just a bad guy, or did he really have a problem?)

Emotional abusers learn their behavior, and the man who could see himself in the traits of the abuser spoke for many men who have learned to abuse their power to control others in brutal ways at home, at work, and in the community.

The rest of us too often indifferent need to stand up for our mothers, daughters, sisters, neighbors, co-workers, and friends who are victims and hold abusers accountable for their behavior; they victimize each of us. We must take sides. Neutrality helps only the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the abuser, never the innocent. Indifference to disrespect is a communitys greatest sin.

Young women must be educated about the dynamics of emotional abuse so they can avoid the suffering abusers inflict.

(Heuerman is a former Secret Service agent, senior executive at the Star Tribune newspaper, and organizational consultant.)