WHAT and WHY

Below is from this article
“Since my trauma my identity seems to have splintered into several fragments. I don’t have separate personalities, just individual selves that represent different reactions to what occurred. There’s the survivor self, the wounded self, the warrior-healer self, the traumatized self and the nihilistic self. I no longer have a grip on one single identity; I don’t know which of these selves I’m supposed to be.”

Ahhhhhh, PTSD. Gotta love it. Gotta hate it. The quote above seems to put it into pretty clear perspective for me. It was always hard to explain to "outsiders" what was going on inside with my emotions. This seemed to hit the nail on the head.


Whether your with someone who has a PD for a few months or a few years or even longer (as in my case) the trauma can be devastating. We are all different, and we all have different tolerance levels. I don't discount anyone's trauma they live thru from these people. Ever. Because they get inside and screw you up so badly, so thoroughly, so completely, so UTTERLY that the pieces are almost impossible to put back together.

Below is from this blog
A borderline disordered individual is like a computer virus that starts out as benign or innocuous, and then damages your entire system. Internet worms can show up in a harmless email--but when you open it, you're infected. This malicious virus screws with your PC's functions and programs, to where you can barely navigate--and ultimately crashes your hard drive. This is literally what happens to your mind, body and spirit when you've had exposure to the Borderline's toxicity for any length of time; you risk a system melt-down.

And this is what happened to me. I had a system melt-down. I couldn't get a grip on what was happening to me. I seemed to have lost all sense of self-pride, emotional strength was gone, I had no drive to even get up in the morning, all I wanted to do was figure out WHAT was going on and WHY! Oh, then those things haunt you for the first few months! WHAT and WHY. Two words that just don't seem to leave your brain. But this is all because Sociopaths/Psychopaths/Narcissist's/Emotional Vampires don't let you have closure. It's simply a 'change of scene' and your the odd man out. They've moved on to their next victim and your left standing there wondering WTF just happened? So, you try (like all rational adults) to make sense of it, and you start with...


1. What just happened?
2. Why did this happen?
3. What could I have done different?
4. What didn't I do?
5. What did I do?


And then when you stumble upon information about Personality Disorders, either by a friend, a co-worker, a counselor, whomever tells you that THAT seems to be the problem, then you start researching. And your WHAT and WHY starts to take on a new 'tone' of shock and amazement. And then you go thru....


1. What was I thinking?
2. Why did I let this happen?
3. Why did I do this?
4. Why did I do that?


You turn on yourself....LITERALLY. Because in your reading and learning you discover that the Personality Disorder they have is not curable. Let me state that again...NOT CURABLE! EVER! So all that time you were making 'excuses' for them, for 'turning a blind eye' to there actions, for 'ignoring' your gut, for 'fighting the good fight' and staying (just one more day, or one more week, or one more year) hoping against hope that maybe something ANYTHING will help them "snap out of it" was never going to happen. 

So you turn on yourself and become your own worst enemy. And your life, as you know it, is gone....forever. You are and will never be the person who walked into that relationship. You've changed. And right now it feels like you've changed for the worst. Your a basket case, you can barely function thru the day. You can't eat. You can't sleep. You search the internet, talk to friends, get therapy, go on anti-anxiety meds. It's a chore some days just to unload the dishwasher. And all the while you are learning about this disorder, you are blaming yourself. Not for the disorder, but for tolerating it. For trying so hard to win such an utterly loosing battle. All those years just seem to have been such a WASTE of time and energy.


And I quote:

In the aftermath of this break-up, you could be needing some sort of closure to help you come to grips with his/her sudden departure. You may have tried to initiate dialogues to help you gain some understanding about their swift exit, and mitigate the shame you're feeling after being abruptly discarded. It makes no sense whatsoever, that only hours ago, your Borderline professed their undying love for you--and now you're abandoned and alone!

Unfinished business of this type haunts us, like nothing else can--especially when mass confusion is a part of the mix. If our ex-lover agrees to speak to us, they'll make us believe that we're at fault for their leaving. While it may be true that we made contributions to the relationship upsets--a Borderline has to make it sound as if it was all our doing! They'll typically pick one or two things you did (or didn't do), that forced them to jump ship. This is their trump card, which puts the blame back on you, whenever you confront their mixed messages, infidelities, lies, broken promises/commitments, etc.

So the WHAT and the WHY have now changed for me. It's taken me almost a year to do it, but then 10 years with a manipulative man with a PD will do that to ya. My WHAT and WHY are now:

1. WHAT do I want to accomplish today?

and

2. WHY not just do it?

Because the world is open to me now. I'm still just taking what I consider baby steps, but at least now there in a forward motion. No more standing still or going backwards. I still have my days, there not as bad as they used to be but I still have them. There also fewer and farther between. That give's me more time to enjoy and cherish the good ones!

Tonight I just wanted to get this out. Next post will be removing another rock from my Little Red Wagon. Because that my friend is the good fight I'm fighting now...unloading my Little Red Wagon.