My Little Red Wagon

I was talking to a friend of mine today, and we were discussing accepting and owning our own feelings. Not to such a degree to run roughshod over others, but to no bury them. That's been something I now know was ingrained in me ever since I was a little girl. My feelings are not important, or I was too emotional, or I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. Which coincidentally are the same things that my exN said to me as well. And in the exploration of ME and the "making sense of" the NON-relationship I was in for 10 years I have taken the hard look backwards.....WAY backwards!

My friend told me of something her mother taught her many years ago. That our 'issues', whatever they may be, are like a little red wagon filled with rocks. And if that wagon gets too full, we can't move. That's when it seems like our lives are stagnate and we feel paralyzed. It's because our "little red wagon" is filled to the brim, and we need to clear out some of the rocks. Each rock is a "something" that we carry around with us. Whether it's guilt over a situation, or anger, or frustration at ourselves or someone else, whatever the negative emotion is, it's a "rock" in our wagon. My wagon has been filled to the brim now. It's time I start letting go of some of these rocks. It's time to turn around, pick a rock (a situation) take it OUT of the wagon, set it down on the sidewalk, say in a loud firm voice, "I'M DONE" and move on.

My first rock to come out is going to be the HUGE BOULDER I have in there over my guilt and anger at MYSELF for staying is such a destructive relationship for so long. I need to forgive myself for that. I'm so NOT ready to forgive HIM for the things he did, but I can forgive myself.

A Narcissist will make you feel crazy, unsure of yourself, doubt your self-confidence and self-worth. They will find your inner core and manipulate it in such a way that it becomes something you don't know or can't find. You will find yourself making so many excuses for their behavior that you feel like you've lost who you are! I've compromised my core values. I put aside my morals. In making excuses for his behavior I was loosing myself. I kept thinking, maybe a better job will help him. Maybe when he get's a little older he'll learn to 'mellow out'. Maybe if he can just get past the awful memories of his childhood he'll learn to become happy.

But then what happens is when THOSE things don't work, and he doesn't start changing, you start to turn on yourself. And start thinking things like, maybe if I work harder and bring in more money. Maybe if I give him more attention. Maybe if I make it more of a point to stroke his ego more. How can I make him feel more like a man? How can I show him he really IS the man he claims he wants to be. Why can't he see that? How am I not showing that to him?

This is where the seriously dangerous part comes in. This is where you REALLY start loosing yourself. Because you are so worried about what YOU can do to "fix" this person you loose site of your own individuality. Who had time for themselves when their so busy worrying about someone else? And where is it written that you CAN or are even RESPONSIBLE to "fix" someone else? All we can do as human beings is offer suggestions, help when we can, be there as a friend when needed AND THATS IT! We can't FIX anyone!

But they make us want to. They put us on a pedestal so high that when we come down (and we all do) the only thing on our minds is to get back up there. And not only is this the way they operate, but they make us feel like it's OUR fault we fell off. My ex was great at that. In looking back, my ex had me up that pedestal and off that pedestal so often I can't even count. And when we are off that "peak" we are downtrodden so hard, emotionally beaten so deeply, that it makes it all the more imperative to get back up there. Because the weather up there is so much NICER than down here. And we don't care about all the "red flags" we're getting while where "on the ground"...we just want back up! A quote from a site I frequent puts it perfectly:

So you're damned if you take a stand for yourself--and damned if you don't. Sitting with that debilitating guilt you feel after one of those bouts, and the ways you punish yourself for these outbursts, is more painful than numbing- out with booze or pot, giving in--and just not making waves. And that's the rub that keeps you with this twisted, tormenting individual.
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 So from my Little Red Wagon I'm going to do everything I can to remove the boulder size rock I have in there about staying in this twisted relationship so long. I'm going to see myself turn around, bend from the knees (cause it's a boulder), lift it out of my wagon and place it on the sidewalk. There. I'm done.