I was Molded

Wow, just that title gives me the shakes! It's a hard pill to swallow when you come out of a relationship with a PD person and really ask yourself the tough questions. How did I let this happen:? Why did I let this happen? Where were my boundaries? Why did I compromise my moral and value system? Along with the typical, Who Am I question. Because we all know after being with a PD person you loose your sense of identity. Your world get so wrapped around their needs, their rage's (and how to avoid them) their wants, their desires...you completely loose who YOU are. So many of us, after this ordeal, go 'within' to look for answers. This is what I have been trying to do for longer than I care to admit. I started looking within during the relationship. I was asking myself questions like, why am I still here? Why don't I just leave? Why, if I'm so damned unhappy do I stay?

I remember on my 50th birthday, taking my daughter into my bedroom to talk with her. I was going thru a lot of emotional crap being as it was a milestone birthday. And all I could think of was, "OMG, PLEASE don't let her end up unhappy like I am!" So thru streaming tears I told her to please always follow her heart, trust her heart AND her gut...and listen to herself. If she feels something is wrong, then something is wrong. Period. End of statement.

I follow a blog called "Emerging from Broken". She's a wonderful writer, going thru her own self-exploration and I gain a lot of courage and strength from her. Although our stories are different, our end goal is the same. To become Healthy, Emotionally Strong, and Happy People. She is clearing out her skeletons from her closet, and I am doing the same with mine. Although I will refer back to my time with the exN, that will be because of a trigger that day. Or a situation that came up that reminded me of something. Either way, whatever it is, I am going to be working on ME and the ME I want to be.

There was a post on Emerging From Broken that actually sparked the reason for this particular post today. The paragraph went as follows:

It wasn’t just the trauma event that I had to look at in order to face the pain of my past, it was the belief system that I developed. In looking at the grid that I put things through and how that grid got set in place I was able to realize that certain foundational beliefs were WRONG. 

This is something I am learning to deal with myself. Whilst learning about the PD my exN has, I have opened up so many new doors to myself! One of the hardest things to do is to look at yourself. And I mean really look. Deep inside. And find out why and when and where this all started. And to take the blame away from yourself. I want to grow, to learn, and to make the rest of my time here to be enriching for both myself and everyone I come in contact with. I haven't lost faith in humanity. I have met a lot of wonderful people on my journey. Although this journey is emotionally painful, I wouldn't trade it for the world!!!