Here for 5 days and I LOVE it!

Even tho the video I posted is of Portland, Maine I only live 20 mins from Portland. Or 8 mins by Train. Can you believe that? TRAIN!! How cool is that!

The charm is here just as abundantly as it is in Downtown Portland tho. I have been 'non-stop' mostly since I got here. There is so much to see and do! Even tho the weather is still pretty chilly (downright COLD for this CA girl lol) it is beautiful. 4 seasons again are going to be amazing! I have missed and wanted 4 seasons in my life for soooooo long! After so many years in just 2 seasons during my life....4 is really going to be awe inspiring and a treat!

I've done the 'small tourist town' before. It didn't work out so well. First of all, the town was so far from everything. Downtown ANYWHERE was at least an hour drive. Work for me was a 2 hour drive. The theme was German, period. Slow in the off season, busy during the tourist season, the streets closed up at 5 pm and you were pretty much 'stuck' in your home.

But here......here you get the quaint buildings or the lakes if you want.  I have access to the city (which doesn't loose it's charm) in a reasonable amount of time. All the homes around me are so full of personality I feel like I'm waking up to a Christmas Card every morning. And next week I'm planning on going to Boston for the first time in my life. I have wanted to visit that city for years and years. And here it is right 'next' to me. Only a 2 hour train ride. Heck, that I can do standing on my head! LOL

And one of the important (for me) things I'm going to do is take pictures of Boston! Cause I'M actually GOING TO GO there....not 'pretend' I did with some made up story to make myself look good. ROFL (pathetically funny to me now)

5 days here and my jaw still hits the ground with the area. I know everything happens in its own time, I just wish this opportunity would have come across my plate so much sooner.  But then who knows. If it had, I might not have moved forward with it. Ah heck, I'm here now, and that's what matters..


Fishing season starts in 5 more days. And soon is the blueberry picking season (FREE!) Lobster also comes into season next month. The stores in my town start opening up. The Paddle Boat gets put back on the river. The ones like they have in New Orleans. The weather gets warmer (thank goodness!) and the trees start to get there leaves back. All the fruit and vegetables stands open up again, and many are only a block from where I live. It's going to be like a Farmers Market every day. There is a lake everywhere you turn here. And everything is going to be so lush and green.....boggles my mind how much beauty there is here.

Another thing I love is that people are so NICE! We drive down the street and people just wave. For no reason, they just wave. I asked Ryan why they did that, was it normal? (Not being from here I ask LOTS of questions about stuff!) and he said not really. That made me laugh! Well, I guess the Cosmos' are doing what they can to make me feel welcome. :)

It will get crowded with the hustle and bustle of the tourists, but I look forward to that. I am ALSO looking forward to after tourist season is over. I'm sure by then I will have had my fill of traffic, and crowds and the like. It will be almost like 'home' (back in L.A.) while the tourists are here, but I just love the peace right now.

And today we are going to go visit the nearby waterfalls.....Can you BELIEVE THAT?? NEARBY WATERFALLS!!!!

Yep, I'm gonna turn into a prune being here. I love the water, I miss swimming like I would miss air if it was taken away. Going to be hard to find me on dry land when I'm not working if I have my way!

Up, Up and Away

 

Well, it was "D" day. The day when it all finally came to fruition. I would like to think of "D" day as "Debi" day, but then that sounds a little Narcissistic doesn't it? LOL. So we'll just leave it as the original "D" day.

The ride to the airport was uneventful for the most part. The ride share turned out to be my own personal chauffeur service. I was supposed to ride with one other individual, but they wound up canceling because their flight was delayed to a later one. So it was just me and the driver.

We had nice conversation off and on all the way to the airport. He gave me pointers on flying and got me to the terminal with PLENTY of time despite the stop and go traffic we had to deal with. Be that as it may, the ride was pleasant yet almost surreal. I kept looking out the window knowing that everything I was looking at, that everywhere we passed that was familiar, that I wanted it burned into my brain. Because it was going to be a long time before I saw any of it again. Even tho I had grown up in the Valley, it was like I had this need to make sure everything was BURNED into my brain. As if (for some reason) I might forget it? I don't know what the reason was, but for some reason it was important.

I get in line with my I.D. ready and up to the counter. The lady was so kind. Big smile, warm attitude, friendly, patient...she was great. I think she saw the fear on my face. My emotions ride on my face. That is why I'm such a God awful lier. Anyone who knows me knows my face shows any and all feelings I'm having. Got my bags weighed, tagged, checked in, my tickets and off I went thru the airport. (YAY)

All the way to the Security Check everyone was just so nice! So many smiles, nodes, the "hello's" and "how are you's"......and everytime I stopped to talk to anyone, or get something to drink, they always complimented me on my hair color :) So it dawned on me, that's why everyone was being so NICE! And while I'm walking (still) to the Security Check I'm thinking what the hell took me so long to color my hair? No really, in the grand scheme of things, this is not a big deal. But then since this trip, these experiences I'm to uncover are all for the soul searching I'm doing, so I'm trying to look at the 'simple' things a little more closely. And in this case I had had a strong desire to color my hair for years. I made excuses as to why I didn't (too much upkeep, to much grey, to stubborn grey hair to color, yadda yadda yadda) But it really just boiled down to being someones "blonde bimbo". It was the color HE wanted me to be...well Thank God I get to do what I want now. And it seems so far my choices are positive.

YUCK! "shake it off, shake it off"

AHEM! ok ~ back to my travels. (I warned you this was going to have bits and pieces of past garbage, but I'll try and keep it to a minimum). But one thing I really did learn is that there is a certain amount of seriousness that revolves around being dark haired~as opposed to blonde. I think I prefer this side of the coin.

"You doubt your value ~ don't run from who you are"

Waiting at the gate for the plane to board has got to be one of the most gut wrenching hours of my life. The fear and tension has the best time to fester and grow during this time. I'm in the airport, smelling the jet fuel (yes, I have a very sensitive nose), watching the planes take off and land. The people coming off their flights. The people waiting to get on. There's business class, economy class, the occasional traveler, the constant traveler. It's easy to spot all the different types of fliers in an airport. And I sit there and envy each and every one of them. No matter how often they fly, or for what ever reason, the bottom line here is that they are OK with it.

And I'm not. It's that simple. I'm just not. I not only have such a major fear of heights, but flying? 30,000 feet in the air? Not a good thing for me. Ever. But for this, this time in my life. The 'door' I need to go thru. For this I will fly.

So we board the plane and I find my seat and before I even sit down I find a steward. "I need a glass of water" I ask him. He say's sure and kind of looks at me a bit concerned. So I explain that I hate flying and show him my anti panic pill I have cut in half. Now to understand the importance of this pill, first let me say it was the LAST pill I had left from my prescription. I had held on to this pill for over a YEAR. Yes, I checked the expatriation date and we were all good. But this pill meant more to me than I think you understand. I had been prescribed anti-anxiety meds after my last 'meltdown' at work. I found a therapist who I was only able to see for 3 sessions, and nursed these pills the best I could. Kept the last one for an emergency. There were times I SERIOUSLY looked at that puppy lemme tell ya! But I held on to it. THIS was the perfect time to use it. Well, that and the glass of wine I had.

Most of the first flight had turbulent's. The weather was pretty crappy leaving Los Angeles so from what I understand, clouds cause turbulent's. Once we got in the air and at cruising speed it wasn't so bad. Pretty smooth. The movie helped too. I got to see Narnia part 2. I hadn't seen that movie yet, so it was entertaining. Another good thing was that everyone around me were either reading something on their laptops or watching their own movies. This of course caused them to keep the window shade down for glare which in turn allowed me to NOT have to worry about looking out the window. YAY! Made for a much easier and calmer flight.

When we got to Chicago O'Hare I was so starved I thought I was going to eat my arm. Note to self, always make sure you eat a meal prior to boarding a plane! Oh they had food, but only took Credit or Debt cards. No cash. So that left me out in a lurch.

Chicago O'Hare airport is HUGE! After going thru security (which by the way is really a pain) I had to walk to the other side of the airport to find my gate. I knew I had an hour layover but wanted to make sure I knew where my gate was so I wouldn't miss my flight. On the way I spied a McDonalds which I practically dove into to get some food on the way. Arrived at the gate, sat down and ate. Let me tell you I was so hungry that food tasted as good as steak. Done eating, check the time, ok about another 20 mins or so and we should be boarding. NOT! An announcement comes over the loudspeaker that the flight has been delayed another 2 hours! Oh boy! So I text my ride at my destination to let him know, and it's all good. Thank GOD for understanding people in my life! If it had been (anybody else) I would have been made to feel guilty for the delay. Oh, not that it was my fault (per say) but that the hour was going to be late and he would be tired and crap. Well, that's not an issue I have to deal with anymore! (THANK GOD!!)

The second flight wasn't so bad even tho it was a smaller plane. This was an express plane. I was so relaxed and 'used' to flying at this point that I was able to look out the window when we almost got to the airport. Now THAT'S a huge accomplishment! I'm not looking forward to flying again anytime soon, but I think I've finally figured out how to do this without such bad panic attacks.

One of the first things I noticed after we got off the plane and I went to the baggage claim was how small the airport was. And when I looked outside there was SNOW on the ground still. Now that was a shock. I knew it was still cold here, but I didn't expect snow on the ground in March. The roads are clear, but the snow is still on the ground and pushed to the side of the roads. When I stepped outside to go to the car I was hit with a blast of cold air that took my breath away. It was shocking and wonderful at the same time! Crazy you might say? Not really. Not to a girl who's been raised in Southern California. This is all so new! I lived away from California for a few years in Seattle, Washington. But there it's grey and drizzles 10 months out of the year. I found then that I suffer from S.A.D. But here that shouldn't be a problem. The winters are long, but there really are seasons here that I can't wait to enjoy. California has 2 seasons...warm and hot. Washington has 2 seasons as well, cold and colder. This is going to remind me of what all the seasons are. And I can't wait. The next few weeks are for exploring before the tourists come to town. So I'm off to take pictures, find places to meditate, and just look around.....

So far there isn't anything or any reason I feel uncertain about what I've done.....so far this is EXACTLY where I need to be and what I need to be doing with my life. Besides, Boston is screaming my name, so is New York and Cape Cod. All three places have friends to visit.

I can't wait.......

2 more days...

Well, the grand kids have gone home and the evening is quiet. I leave in two days. I started to feel a bit melancholy while hugging them goodbye, but at the same time was so comforted by their excitement for me. My oldest grand daughter (she's 9) said she was going to write me a letter every day. I thought of the expense of stamps (LOL) and told here we can always use email. Her eyes lite up! That lightened my heart a bit.

So many emotions all over the place, but yet, a feeling of calm and peace over it all. So tomorrow I pack for the last time. I've actually been packed for a week, but that was to make sure I had what I needed to bring for the short term. I can actually get the rest later. I read a poem today that touched my heart so deeply that I think I shall incorporate this as a mantra while I meditate:


Let the light in
with each breath I take
Let it reach every corner of me
and chase the darkness away
with each breath that I release -
release with it
all negativity
Let nothing but peace
surround my being
Let nothing but peace
be my feeling
Give me the strength
to love myself
as I love others
to give to myself
as I give to others
Help me not to dwell on my past
and the things that can't be undone
May I  believe in the future
and all the things I can become
Let love be all that dwells
and be all that expels
From within me.
Help my spirit to truly be free...

All day long I've gotten 'messages' like the one above. Letting me know everything will be ok. If you pay attention to Angelic Number combination's as I do, then you know the significance of repeated numbers and/or the attention made to pay attention to certain number sequences. Today's number was 3:00. And the message that goes along with this combination is:

3's and 0's, such as 300 or 330 - God and the ascended masters are trying to get your attention, most likely with respect to a matter related to your Divine purpose. Is there any guidance that you've been ignoring lately? If so, you may be feeling stuck right now. This number sequence is heaven's way of alerting you to the fact that you must do your part in the co-creation process. This means listening to and following your Divine guidance to take certain actions.

I have interpreted this as what I'm doing is the RIGHT thing for me. I have been feeling 'stuck' the past week due to "short timers" knowing the move towards my new life was coming, but wasn't here yet. I need to do my part? Oh heck yea, that means get ON that plane and don't worry.......listening to and following my Divine guidance? My desire is even stronger now. This is a pull I can't put into words. I just know that in my heart, deep within my heart, is a sense of knowing that this is the best thing for me. I have halted turning inward the past few days. My time with my grand daughters and my daughter was more important to me right now. With only a few days left to see them, I felt that I could take a 'break' from all the soul healing I've been doing. But it seems that tonight, now that the house is quiet and the girls have left, the universe is letting me know that it hasn't forgotten about me! And while I sit here and try to type this, I am hit left and right with messages, emails, postings, YouTube video's and the like of stuff that is yet again empowering, validating, comforting, and enriching.

So tonight, I will light a white candle and meditate again. And as I do this, I not only will be asking my Angel to keep my heart safe and warm, but I will also be extending a white light to the people of Japan. To help assist them with peace in their hearts. And as I lay my head down tonight, I will dream of trees, streams, lakes to swim and fish in, the new sites I am to see and experience, the cities, the towns, the people who are going to be coming into my life.....and all the new things I have in store to learn and see and do.

I really realize now......in this moment in time.....it has hit me. I am running TO something, not FROM anything. I am going to be purging a lot of garbage I've keep inside all my life, and while that part will be hard I am comforted to know it's going to be in a place where I am loved and cared for. Where I have as much nature around me that I can tolerate and then some. I am going to be in a place that my mind, body and soul can truly reach the place where I want to be. Is this 'magical thinking' on my part? Not hardly! There is no 'magic place' in the world that can fix anyone. But there ARE places you can go that FIT your needs to continue on that journey. Just because where I'm going is beautiful and serene with lots of areas where I can meditate and do soul searching the PLACE is not going to fix me. It is simply somewhere that I need to be to continue my work on myself.  I understand that it's ME that has to do the work. And so, I will end this post with one of my favorite prayers:

The Knots Prayer

Dear God,
please untie the knots
that are in my mind,
my heart and my life.
Remove the have not's,
the can not's and the do not's
that I have in my mind.

Erase the will not's,
may not's, and
might not's that find
a home in my heart.

Release me from the could not's,
would not's and
should not's that obstruct my life.

And most of all, dear God,
I ask that you remove from my mind
my heart and my life all of the am not's
that I have allowed to hold me back,
especially the thought
that I am not good enough.

Amen.

(author known to God)

One More Week

And the world opens up to me. I am so excited I can't think straight! All I keep thinking about is where I'm going, what I'm going to see, the pictures I'm going to take......and the growing I'm going to be doing. As I sit here and type this I reflect on this day today. It was gorgeous out. The sun was shining, the weather was warm, and I had another "me" day.

I took myself out to a wonderful lunch, book in hand. While I read I kept coming across parts of the book that rang so true that I was grateful I had a yellow highlighter in my purse LOL. All afternoon I kept wishing I was better at posting thru my phone. Thoughts and ideas were creeping in so much I was almost afraid I was going to forget them before I could post! Eat. Pray, Love is the book I'm reading. I've seen the movie over and over (because I own it) but the book is so much more powerful. I've had to set it down for now, because I realize it's going to be a great way to take my mind off the fact that I will be 30,000 feet in the air in a week. My fear of flying is still there, but my excitement is starting to override it, Thank God! When I got home I had a wonderful phone conversation with a friend of mine while in the hammock in the back yard. Then, I got back up and went to the store and decided to take myself to DINNER! Yep! Imagine that! I took myself out TWICE today.

You know how in the movies they make it seem like it's 'weird' or 'unusual' for someone to eat alone? Or they show the other characters as feeling 'sorry' for you? That you must be SO lonely to be eating alone.....reading a book no less! Well, let me tell you here and now, in the REAL world that is NOT the case. In fact, they almost seemed envious. I can't imagine that it takes 'courage' to eat out alone. After today the stigma of that simple act of eating whether with someone or not just boggles my mine. I had a fabulous day, wouldn't have traded it for all the tea in China. Just might do it again. Soon.

One of the things I decided today was that THIS blog is truly going to be a compilation of what the title implies, Taking My Soul Back. This blog is going to be my travels, my experiences, filled with photos and video's of places I've been. It's going to consist of my feelings while I aspire to learn new things, new cultures, new ways of life. Although I can't do it as EXTENSIVELY as Elizabeth Gilbert did in her book, I will do what I can. I have my personal itinerary in my head and am going to leave the rest to the Powers That Be to make sure I can do it. And how, you might ask, is this supposed to happen? Because it will. I know it will. It is happening already! I put "out there" that I needed some help, I threw my hands in the air (so to speak) and said, "ok....what am I going to do?" In fact, much like Elizabeth Gilbert did in her book, I almost had the same conversation with God myself.

And then I let it go..............

All at once the doors FLEW open! I don't know much about this Ascension stuff (I'm learning) but it does seem that when you just let go after you ask for something it really does seem to work. The 'yucky' stuff, the pain, the anger, coming to terms with that I am going to leave on my original blog, Walking on Broken Glass.What my intention here is, is to document for you my growth as I turn inward and appreciate the outward, (hope that makes sense).

Those of you who have been 'with' me this past year know the journey I've been on. Most of you have been on it yourself. Or are still on it. You have seen me fall down the Rabbit Hole on numerous occasions and watched me climb back out. I would have given my right arm to have been able to have therapy and medication for this past year. But at the same time it's been a blessing that I haven't. I really truly AM stronger than I gave myself credit for. And it's THAT strength that gives me the courage to do what I'm doing now. God Bless the therapist I saw (albeit only 3 times) she opened my eyes in those few fleeting sessions to a whole WORLD of answers. There were days I didn't know if I was going to make it.....anxiety attacks that I swore were going to send me 'round the bend. But I did the work and I got THRU it. In the book I'm reading she puts it so perfectly where I am at now. She is trying to come to terms with wanting it all basically.  So bear with me, and if you will turn to page 29 and skim down to the middle she says, and I quote:

My truth was exactly what I'd said to the man in Bali~~I wanted to experience both. I wanted worldly enjoyment and divine transcendence~the dual glories of a human life. I wanted what the Greeks called kalos kai agathos, the singular balance of the good and the beautiful.  I'd been missing both during these last hard years, because both pleasure and devotion require a stress-free space in which to flourish and I'd been living in a giant trash compactor of nonstop anxiety.

That last sentence is what caught me. So simple, yet so true! And it hit home for me. So that's the reason for changing the 'tone' of this blog. This is now my happy blog. Everything else I come to terms with, or any rocks I remove from My Little Red Wagon will go on the Walking on Broken Glass blog.

Wish me luck!!

It's my life now.

As most of you know, my life is taking an INCREDIBLE turn and it has become so exciting! In one week (approx) I get to start 'anew' with a fresh slate. A new and beautiful place I have not only wanted to visit most of my life, but so close to so many others as well. Lunch dates have been planned....outings are already in the works and I'm just so EXCITED! No more am I just 'getting by day by day' struggling to get out of the mess he left me in. Everyone I have spoken to about it are just raving at how wonderful it is and how jealous they are. What's funny (sort of) is that I NEED that validation from others. Even tho in my heart and soul I know this is something that's good, I still need to know from people outside that it's 'ok' to do something nice for myself.

This is the crucifix I carry. And the one I'm learning to drop. The need of outside validation. Why? Why do I need that really? If I'm not murdering anyone, if my actions don't inflict intentional harm on another human, (or animal for that matter), and if it's in my heart to do it, then I should do it! Take up painting, music, learn a new language, go back to school, learn a new trade.....or in my case right now, Travel. What wondrous sites I am about to see. I have no worries there is even a chance of this last part of my life getting boring.

I'm taking an utterly disgusting situation and turning it into something good. Making Lemonade out of Lemons you might say. I actually hate that saying, but for this situation it rings true. This path of self-discovery is scary but yet so exhilarating. I'm not just sitting around "thinking" about stuff and trying to psychoanalyze every little thing. Well, I am thinking and processing, but I'm also DOING something as well. I'm moving forward in my mind, body, and soul.

I've taken up meditation. It's a wonderful experience. I have to be honest, I don't do it as often as I should, but I'm working on that. Your supposed to meditate once a day for at least 5 mins. I can see why. It's so relaxing and it really does help keep your head clear and your stress level under control.

I make a conscience effort to eat 'live' food. Fast food, fried food, frozen food, even canned food has become almost a thing of the past. It's made a world of difference in how I feel physically. I'm still having an issue putting on weight, but at least I'm healthy.

I take vitamins every day.

I only associate with people who are uplifting and happy. I'm not focusing on trying to 'fix' anyone who's having a bad day or life or whatEVER the situation is anymore. It's not my job to fix anyone. I have enough work to do just fixing myself. I am more than willing to listen to ANY of my friends or family if they have a need to talk, but I don't feel a NEED to help them. That 'need' I've had from childhood to now was one of the 'tools' he used to control me. But that's left for another post. My empathy and his poor pitiful me.....

I have learned to let go of material things. Now this was one of the hardest lessons to learn. And it's because it was not my CHOICE to do this. It was FORCED upon me against my will. I was not consulted, not asked, not even given much thought when it happened. It's as if I didn't even EXIST I was so out of the loop. I didn't listen to that inner voice (who knew him so well) to go and follow up on my belongings. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. After EVERYTHING he had done to me for 10 years, I STILL gave him the benefit of the doubt. Ok, need to take a breath here......

I've changed my attitude, my hair, my outlook, I'm even looking forward to flying! And boy 'o boy I HATE flying. LOL

I look forward to getting up in the morning again and seeing what the day will bring me.

I will keep posting for everyone on the emotional healing and the crap I went thru. But right now, for the next few weeks, my life is becoming wondrous, happy and so full of possibilities. I hope and I wish that you will all follow me on my journey of life, self-discovery, and growth from coming Out of the Fog.

Tonight's post was driven by something I read, and it was so utterly uplifting to me that I was 'inspired'. It went like this:

The only reason an N comes back around is because they think we are in the same head space in which they left us. If you are NOT in the same head space and have done your work, then you have no worries. They will not be remotely attractive to you. In fact, the thought of them will sicken you to your core.


Well, I've been doing the work. And the thought of him DOES sicken me to my core. I had hoped that someday, just maybe, he would come back to right the wrong he had done. Never would I ever want anyone in my life who could harm another human so intentionally. So maliciously.  And never did I expect him to say "I'm sorry". Now that was Magical Thinking on my part. Who would Discard and Destroy another human being after so long together and get married 4 weeks later? If that doesn't tell someone just how LITTLE they meant to you then I don't know what does! And don't even get me started on the co-dependent wife! Yet again, that will be another post.....

I want to end this post with a quote that really touched my heart and soul. It rings so true, and those of us who have come out from these HORRIBLE experiences will understand it's deepest meaning and I am doing my best to live my life this way now:

Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else's life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others opinion drown your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
~ Steve Jobs ~

So I hope you stay with me "Sans the Sociopath" while I go on my journey. My days won't always be filled with laughter and fun I'm sure. Life is life and things happen. Memories get triggered. And I will write about those too. But for now at least life is amazing just for the shear fact that I can BREATH again!

About Forgiving but not Forgetting

I'm going to try and make a little "analogy" here so things make better sense. There are millions of reasons why we don't 'forget' and just 'move on' after one of these experiences. Let me use an example of something that happened to me years ago to try and shed some light on the subject:

Many years ago, my children (I have 3) and I and my partner went to the beach for a vacation. We had rented a condo right off the water. It was beautiful. The weather was perfect, the water was warm, and because it was a Time Share there weren't many people about. Our first night there was magical. I fell asleep listening to the crashing of the waves outside. It was so magical.

The next day, we all got up had our breakfast and went down to the water. We laid out our blankets, blew up our donut, and proceeded to start our day. The waves weren't particularly high, so myself and my two boys started going into the water. My partner at the time had a fear of the Ocean as they had not really had much experience with it, and my daughter was too young at the time to do much more that get her feet wet. So they stayed ashore.

I'm keeping an eye on my son's, as a good mother would, and got angry at my oldest because he seemed to be going further out and down the shore from us. Both myself and my other son were yelling at him to come closer and not go so far away. He had the donut, so I wasn't too worried, I just didn't want him so far away. It seemed he had come closer to us, but the next thing I new I couldn't feel the ground under my feet anymore and we ALL seemed to be far from our group. The next thing outta my mouth was "get to shore"...still I had not had the "light bulb" go off in my head as to what was happening. All three of us grabbed onto the donut and started swimming to shore. At least that's what we were trying to do. I turned around, my back to the shore for a sec and had the living daylights scared outta me! A wave the size of a 10 foot building was coming!!! I yelled to my boys "hold your breath!" and it hit. Under the water we went....when we surfaced my oldest had been dragged to shore by the wave, but me and my other son were still out there. My oldest had been ripped from the donut, so it was just the two of us hanging on.....I let go of the donut and told my son to swim like he had never swam before. Again and again we were hit with waves. (God help me as I write this I'm shaking all over again) I'm treading water the best I can, TRYING to get to shore. As I'm going up and down with the waves, I notice I can only see the shoreline on the dip. That's not good, that means I'm being pulled out to sea. By now I realize (DUH!) that I'm caught in a Riptide. But I'm still not sure what to do. So I'm frantically trying to get myself to shore.

I was lucky. My Guardian Angel's were there to help me that day, because it just so happened there was the beach patrol!!! And emergency dingy was inflated and they were on there way to come get me. But the waves were so violent that when the first EMT came out, he was swept RIGHT PAST ME! By this time I'm cold, tired, my muscles are starting to cramp from just fighting the waves and the current. The dingy made it out to me and I was brought ashore.

They wrapped me in a blanket and put me into the Ambulance so the EMT could monitor my heart rate and check for hypothermia. As I'm sitting there, I see them putting HANDCUFFS on my oldest son! I told the EMT, I HAVE to go find out whats going on with my son. He didn't want to let me go, said "I have to make sure your ok first" But I told him if my son goes to jail I'm certainly NOT going to be ok!"

It turned out, he had made it to shore and was yelling at the EMT'S that they weren't working fast enough to save his mother (God Bless him!) So they wanted to arrest him because they said he was "obstructing" them by yelling while they were trying to do their job. I gathered my breath (I was still mentally and physically shaken) and spoke as calmly to the officer as I could. Explaining that he was just "in panic mode" that he was "young and didn't understand" and to please have a heart. That I would talk to him and explain the importance of letting Emergency Personnel do there due diligence without obstruction. They let him go into my care. (WHEW!)

For WEEKS we all had nightmares about it. Every time I started to drift off to sleep I would hear the waves crashing and feel myself in the Ocean again. It was miserable. It took me a long time to get back into the Ocean.  But I got over it. And so did my sons.

How does this story relate to Forgiving but not Forgetting? Well, first off I can't Forgive the OCEAN for doing what it does. It has no conscience and therefore acts and does what it does. Therefore, forgiving the OCEAN is a mute point. Forgiving MYSELF for not paying attention, or for ignoring everything I have learned growing up in CA about Riptides was what I had to do.

Forgetting what happened would mean not LEARNING from the experience. I have moved on from what happened but I will never forget. I will carry that memory with me the rest of my life. I've learned what to do if I'm ever caught in another Riptide and will make SURE I don't make that same mistake again.

Someone with a PD is never, and let me say this again, NEVER cured. Bi-Polar Disorder is "handled" with medication and therapy. But they are never cured. Its a short in the wiring in there brain and has been chemically proven by the DSM on personality disorders. The Cluster B co-morbid PD's aren't even "helped" with medication OR therapy. Again that is proven and documented in the DSM. So really it's a lost cause.

Forgive him? Whats to forgive? He has no conscience, therefore will feel no remorse and will not and cannot understand the concept of forgiveness. That would be like my standing there on the shore and telling the Ocean, I forgive you....think it'll hear me let alone care? Forgiveness is for me.....

Forget what happened? Never! To make sure it never happens to me again, I will never ever forget this. And like the Riptide situation, I have learned from the experience and will do my best to caution others. Hence, the reason for this blog and my others as well. If I can reach just one person to help brighten that "lightbulb" moment for them, then that's one more person who never has to go thru this soul wrenching experience.

You are not Crazy

Ever wonder just what IS verbal abuse? What constitutes someone making you feel that your feelings are wrong, exaggerated, unwarranted or ridiculous ?

Listen.......

You are not Crazy

Basic Manipulative Strategy of a Psychopath

According to Drs. Hare and Babiak psychopaths are always on the lookout for individuals to scam, exploit or swindle. The psychopathic approach includes three phases:

1: Assessment phase

Some psychopaths are opportunistic, aggressive predators who will take advantage of almost anyone they meet, while others are more patient, waiting for the perfect, innocent victim to cross their path. In each case, the psychopath is constantly sizing up the potential usefulness of an individual as a source of money, power, sex or influence. Some psychopaths enjoy a challenge while others prey on people who are vulnerable. During the assessment phase, the psychopath is able to determine a potential victim’s weak points and will use those weak points to seduce.

2: Manipulation phase

Once the psychopath has identified a victim, the manipulation phase begins. During the manipulation phase, a psychopath may create a persona or mask, specifically designed to ‘work’ for his or her target. A psychopath will lie to gain the trust of their victim. Psychopaths’ lack of empathy and guilt allows them to lie with impunity; they do not see the value of telling the truth unless it will help get them what they want.

As interaction with the victim proceeds, the psychopath carefully assesses the victim’s persona. The victim’s persona gives the psychopath a picture of the traits and characteristics valued in the victim. The victim’s persona may also reveal, to an astute observer, insecurities or weaknesses the victim wishes to minimize or hide from view. As an ardent student of human behavior, the psychopath will then gently test the inner strengths and needs that are part of the victim’s private self and eventually build a personal relationship with the victim.

The persona of the psychopath – the “personality” the victim is bonding with – does not really exist. It is built on lies, carefully woven together to entrap the victim. It is a mask, one of many, custom-made by the psychopath to fit the victim’s particular psychological needs and expectations. The victimization is predatory in nature; it often leads to severe financial, physical or emotional harm for the individual. Healthy, real relationships are built on mutual respect and trust; they are based on sharing honest thoughts and feelings. The victim’s mistaken belief that the psychopathic bond has any of these characteristics is the reason it is so successful.

3: Abandonment phase

The abandonment phase begins when the psychopath decides that his or her victim is no longer useful. The psychopath abandons his or her victim and moves on to someone else. In the case of romantic relationships, a psychopath will usually seal a relationship with their next target before abandoning his or her current victim. Sometimes, the psychopath has three individuals on whom he or she is running game: the one who has been recently abandoned, who is being toyed with and kept in the picture in case the other two do not work out; the one who is currently being played and is about to be abandoned; and the third, who is being groomed by the psychopath, in anticipation of abandoning the current “mark”. Abandonment can happen quickly and can occur without the current victim knowing that the psychopath was looking for someone new. There will be no apologies, or at least no sincere apologies, for the hurt and pain the psychopath causes, because psychopaths do not appreciate these emotions.

from WIKIPEDIA

The above is textbook for what happened to me. I was spinning at the end during the Abandonment faze not understanding what was going on. His messages were so mixed. But thats what they count on. So while it was "on again" and "off again" with me he never took a stand about anything until I backed him into a corner. And while he was trying to "explain" his way out of it, he still blamed ME for the issue I had brought up. This of course is about all the furniture we had in storage that he let go to auction (email conversation available). And when I didn't reply to his answer he took that moment to send me the all eternal "break up" email (conversation available)

See, I really believe that the ONLY smart thing I did with this whole issue was keep to email conversations. They leave a trail. And if anyone within his "circle" or the "new supply" ever gets wind of this blog.....I have proof. I would love to hear of his "past" that he colored for his new wife. There is no way he told her the truth! LOL Who would tell someone they had just been "honeymooning" that there first wife divorced them for Fraud, their second wife (with their son) divorced them for lying and stealing, and that they "threw away" there third relationship because she wasn't "financially supportive" anymore? Oh, but things will be different with YOU right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

From www.gettinbetter.com

Never will a Borderline take ownership of their failings/flaws. Never. Closure allows a meeting of souls, a healing acknowledgment of each person's part in the demise of the relationship, and an opportunity for both to learn from their mistakes. No such thing will ever exist for the Borderline. Oh, you may receive a perfunctory "I'm sorry," but there is never genuine remorse. So why is this, do you think?

Closure equals Ego Death to a Borderline. They're so fractured/fragile, they really can't manage any hint of abandonment or loss. They're so full of self-loathing, they can't handle anyone being aware of their shortcomings. Their defenses are deeply entrenched, automatic and reflexive--because they need them to survive. Point out your Borderline's weaknesses, and you might as well drive a stake through their heart--if they can take it in. Most cannot, so their denial remains. For you this can mean no harm, no foul.

So when your listening to their past, listen closely......

The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior...................

For the original source click here 

On Lying

Lying. Wow. Now this is another pretty big rock to come out of my Little Red Wagon. Lying is something I abhor. I have never tolerated it in the past, but came to "accept" it during my relationship with the ex. I made excuses for it in my head. It never sat well with me tho, so in order to not fight with myself, I learned to just not ask. Or pry. Or become inquisitive. It saved my heart. It saved us fighting. It saved disruption in the house. Or so I thought. I killed me a little more each day.

I had caught him in so many lies in the beginning. And over time he just simply got 'better' at it. More covert. More convincing. I don't know if he got more convincing because he got better, or because I was turning a blind eye more. So it just SEEMED like he was getting more convincing. Or both. Perpetual lying from another person causes you to do things you wouldn't normally do. Normally, I would NEVER think of invading someone else's privacy. I expect my personal space to be respected and as such I extend that to others as well. But in the case of trying to make sure he was being honest, I learned to "dig" into his computer. I did NOT want to find anything. I would have rather had to string myself up with a rope to punish myself than to find out he was STILL lying. I had convinced myself I was doing it to prove to myself that he was indeed telling me the truth. Of course, every time I was proven wrong. So guess what I did to avoid the pain any longer? At the time, I thought it was the best thing for me....in hindsight, I realize it was the worst. I simply stopped looking. Gave it up. Woke up one day and said "no more". Either trust the man, or walk away. Because my love was still so deep I chose trust. I knew it was foolish. But my heart outweighed my head.

I myself am a miserable lair. Its on my face. In my tone. My body screams at you that I'm lying. I even have a problem with 'little white lies'. Hell, I have a hard time calling the Utility Companies to extend a payment with a White Lie! I am so grateful that I did not loose that quality. Lying to me is still a thorn and always will be.

The reason for this post on lying is because of something I read today in my email. I felt it was another stone for me to work on getting out of my Wagon. Part of the email is below:

I'd like to describe to you what I believe the categories of lying are, and why they create damage in relationships.

Malicious Lying

Malicious lying is narcissistic (self-serving without consideration for others) in nature, and the reasons behind it are: I'm not an authentic person who can get my needs met by being real. My real (damaged) self is unacceptable. I have to be a constructed false-self to get what I want from life.
This is the most dangerous version of liar and constitutes a person that you cannot have a healthy relationship with.

Malicious lying has the following characteristics:

- Lying in order to avoid scrutiny or accountability
- Lying about previous and present life details, such as accomplishments and associates
- Using fabricated evidence as ammunition
- Making false promises that aren't upheld
- Lying in order to receive acclaim, notoriety or attention
- Lying to gain the upper hand
- 'Gaslighting' (creating false evidence in order to confuse or distress others)
- Making false threats in order to intimidate
- Fabricating evidence in order to blame others
- Telling someone what they wish to hear and then continuing the poor behaviour
- Proclaiming undying love, which actions don't support, when trying to re-gain connection
- Twisting facts in order to manipulate

Any adult that is operating as a malicious liar does not want to be accountable and does not want to be real. The underlying fear of being real (I'm unacceptable) is too powerful. Many a person has tried to sort out a malicious liar (myself included), believing that you're doing them a favor, and their life will be happier when they stop lying. Really what is going on is: I'm trying to stop you lying so that I can feel happy, safe and loved. The mistake is: we believe our happiness depends on this person getting their act together, rather than realizing that we are the source of our own safety and truth.

Trying to 'fix' a malicious liar equals 'How to Lose'. A malicious liar does not want you sorting out their life, and will only intensify their lying in order to avoid being real. In fact they will resent your interference and will punish you with further evasion, lies and blame for their behaviour. My suggestion is always the same: Get out! Use the experience to heal the reasons why YOU aren't aligning with a REAL and supportive relationship. Because when you do, you'll never attract, tolerate and struggle with a liar again.

Now we can move on to white lies, which many people believe are acceptable, and may even consider as healthy and preferable.

White Lying 



White lying has the following characteristics:

Lying in order to 'people please' and 'be liked'
- Lying in order to avoid other's disapproval
- Lying in order to spare other people's feelings

Lying in order to please others is not authentic, nor is it healthy to tell other people what they wish to hear. We're not only denying our ability to be real, we're also not offering genuine feedback that can grant other's the ability to grow and heal their 'stuff'.

Malicious lying is something that was done consistently, effortlessly (it seemed) and with such VIGOR!

"At least I've owned my own house!" Said at the top of his lungs during a very heated argument. Come to find out later, he never owned a home. In fact never really had a rental history. But he was good at not only lying, but using it to verbally chastise me. So it was a double wammy.

 "Look honey, here's the voucher from my Grandmothers bank. I can pay you back I swear!"  He was desperate for money at the time. He had no job and no where to live. He wanted me to put him up in a hotel room (again)

"I don't know why I sent that email. I just wanted to look better off". This was said after I found an email to a former workmate of his. He sent her an email showing her the house we were renting a ROOM in and a picture of our landlords Truck AS IF IT WAS HIS OWN! In fact, he said in the email (and I quote) check out my new ride! BTW, email is still in my possession as proof.

These are just a few examples of his lying and manipulation. And like I posted before, I can work on forgiving....but I will never forget. I WILL forgive MYSELF for being "duped". But I will NEVER forgive HIM for his lying. It was intentional, thought out, and precise. I have done a lot of crying over this issue. And I'm sure I have a lot more to go, but I'm getting there. Every time I cry, I feel a little bit better. And lately it's becoming leaps and bounds better. I cry when I need to. Wherever I am. If I'm in a public place, I simply keep my head down while the tears fall until I can find somewhere secluded. Then I let it go.

I don't cry for him. I cry for ME. This is MY pain. Why did I tolerate this for so long? Why did I turn a blind eye? Why did I accept his flimsy excuses/reasons? What was it that kept making me make excuses for him? I've found the answer. Stockholm Syndrome

 But that is something left for another post. I've done what I can for today. The rock is out of the Wagon and I am feeling better. There. Done.

Book Recommendation

Although I have read a few books on this subject, I am promoting this one here on my blog. The author, Thomas Sheridan, has become a friend of mine (at least I like to think that). He has proven to be a rock of solid, authentic, and proven facts about PD's,  interwoven with care and empathy. I respect his opinion greatly.

When I heard of his book coming out I was so excited! Amazon is offering this book at such an amazingly affordable price I can't HELP but suggest it to everyone and anyone. The first few pages that Amazon offer you to read as a "peek" really offer a good insight into the book itself.

Easy to read, put in everyday words, and with the ability to understand the complexities of these disorders is certainly something everyone will be able to walk away with.

Good Luck and Good Reading!

Puzzling People: The Labyrinth of the Psychopath

I can work on forgiving - But I will NEVER forget

 Bet you thought this blog post was going to be about forgiving him didn't you? HA! Never! This is about ME forgiving ME. 

Someone once said that not forgiving someone for their wrong doings is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Well, although I find that a rather amusing analogy, it doesn't ring true for me. I only forgive someone when there is no malice within the action. If they truly didn't mean to hurt me, come to me as an adult to my face and apologize, I will forgive them. As long as the act wasn't pre-meditated, planned, thought out, or otherwise constructed, I will forgive them. I will believe it was an honest mistake. The difference here between a normal person who hurts another and a Sociopath/Psychopath is that the only time the Sociopath/Psychopath think of YOUR feelings is when they are concerned the outcome of their actions won't produce the objective they are aiming for. So they 'figure out' just how to 'construct' the lie.

I listen a lot closer to how people apologize to me now. I take a closer look at the situation as well. Never again will I simply accept an apology for bad behavior simply BECAUSE it's an apology. I've learned that an apology is as easily falsified as the original misdeed.

Sociopath's and Psychopaths don't have a moral bone in their body. The only time they SEEM to show remorse is when they feel backed into a corner with no way out. Then they HAVE to admit they did something wrong. But, the way they apologize is always construed with you being at fault to some degree. They can never....and I mean never...take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for what they've done. EVER.

They live by a "code of rules" I've learned. They all do. They all have a pattern they follow:

Biderman's Chart of Coercion:

• Isolation: Deprives the victim of all social support necessary for the ability to resist.
  Develops an intense concern for self.
  Causes victims to depend on the victimizer.
  
• Monopolization of Perception: Fixes attention upon immediate predicament and fosters introspection.
  Eliminates stimuli competing with those controlled by the captor.
  Frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance.
  
• Induced Debility &Exhaustion: Weakens mental and physical ability to resist.
  
• Threats: Cultivates anxiety and despair.
  
• Occasional Indulgences: Provides positive motivation for continued compliance.
  
• Demonstrating “Omnipotence”: Suggests futility of resistance.
  
• Enforcing Trivial Demands: Develops habits of compliance
  
• Degradation: Makes cost of resistance appear more damaging to the self-esteem than capitulation
  Reduces prisoner to, “animal level” concerns.

Food For Thought: Emotional abuse is crippling. It robs a person of their self-esteem, the ability to think rationally, confidence in themselves and their independence and autonomy.If your spouse’s words and behaviors has caused any of the following feelings it is time to seek help:

• Isolation from others, you rarely see friends and family.
• Excessive dependence on him/her.
• You constantly think about saying or doing the right thing so that your spouse does not become upset.
• You live in the moment, unable to plan ahead because you fear your spouse’s response to any plans or ideas you have. Any action you take is criticized unless it is one of compliance to his/her desires.
• You feel as if you don’t have the energy it would take to fight back against their controlling behavior. You doubt your ability to stand-up and speak your own mind and express your own opinions.
• You feel a sense of depression and anxiety most of the time.
• You feel as if anything you do or say will be meant with anger or dismissal. Your feelings and desires just don’t seem to matter to your spouse.

I am much more aware of the traits above now. I will carry this "lesson" he taught me for the rest of my life. It hasn't stopped me from making meaningful relationships in the least. I'm just more educated and cautious now.
So, I am working on forgiving MYSELF. 10 years is a long time to be manipulated by someone. And when you couple that with clearing out my closet of my other N relationships, that's a lot of work. I am working on forgiving myself............

But I will NEVER forget