I could not have done this without the help of so many people in my life. Some where already there, and some are new that I've met on my journey toward healing.
After being Discarded and utterly Destroyed by a Cluster B, Malignant, Personality Disordered Person, I am now on the journey to SELF.
Those of you who have been in their clutches know how it feels to be "soul raped" and coming back from that is a long hard road. Here, I hope to bring you the tools you need to survive during that first crucial year after you've been Discarded.
Got a suprise last night. My roomate had a mutual friend from out of town come over for the night. I knew there was a BBQ at the house, and that there was a suprise lined up for me, but never in my wildest dreams did I think it was going to be another survivor! I was SO happy to finally meet in the flesh someone I had been speaking too for almost a year within the confines of our secure group FINALLY in the flesh. So much fun! All of us walked to the pier, rode the Carousel, ate pizza, walked on the beach for a bit. Then, back to the house for a backyard fire, chips / dip, music, beer, drinks and GREAT laughter! 1 am rolled around and my friend and I decided to watch the sun rise at the beach. So at 1 am we very HURRIEDLY went to sleep with our alarms set for 4:30am. Sunrise was due at 5:10, thank goodness I only live 4 blocks from the beach!
It was a cool morning with just a slight breeze. And the sunrise was beautiful. Then back home for a quick nap!
Again to the beach we went in the afternoon, this time with sunblock! It was odd to see so many people there, but then it is tourist season here. My roomate went off to float down the river with his friends, so it was me and my out of town guest. I had the BEST time with her. We laid on the sand and just talked and talked, waded in the water for a bit, talked more, water, laid in sand.....rinse and repeat lol.
After a few hours of that, came back to the house to drop off the beach chairs and stuff so we could go get something to eat. So off we go again a block in the other direction to get some fish and chips (American style). Played some pinball while we waited for our food, talked, laughed and talked some more.
I realized something with all this. That its really ok to spend time with friends and family, and how much I missed that. That I truly am stronger than I had given myself credit for. And that this really IS by far the happiest I have been in a long, long, long time.
In two weeks I get to visit her, and we shall see what new experiences her corner of the world bring.
I still have a lot of places to visit, Boston needs a re-do, theres still so much to see there, Cape Cod is in the next few months, Chicago and New York as well. After the winter I'm shooting for London, Ireland, and Italy..........
Sure wish I knew how to post the actual slideshow (lol) someday I'll get better at this!
Boston was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. to say the least. The city is just so FULL of History! We walked everywhere it seemed until we couldn't walk anymore. Such craftsmanship in the buildings and homes. I must have walked around looking like an idiot with my mouth hanging open!
I had a fabulous time with my friend, was welcomed warmly into the home and we had "girls night" where we stayed up until 3:30 am talking! I had some more walls removed and I must give credit where credit is due. The tenacity and fortitude that was needed to break thru was NOT an easy task! But the sign of a true friend is that they never give up......and "another rock from my Red Wagon" was taken out and put on the sidewalk for me to say goodbye to.
Then there was this DELICIOUS lunch just off the pier. With a Bloody Mary to boot! LOL. Cold wind or not it was a great day.
Boston was everything I had hoped for an more. I will be going back soon....only got to see half of the city, the other half is calling my name. And besides, I have a friend there who I am missing as well.......
What can I say? It was a WONDERFUL weekend. So GOOD to finally go somewhere for a change. All this time, all these past years, doing nothing but work and sleep......oh, and pay the bills! Geeze, I think back to that time of my life and I just cringe! What the HELL was I thinking for so long? Well, they don't call it "living in a F.O.G." without a good reason right?
So, I worked my butt of that week. I have a new area of the store I'm in, so there's another learning curve I'm going thru. Not to bad tho, I've covered the Electronic's area before when they've needed to take a break or lunch so I'm not totally unfamilier with it. But the "day to day" stuff is still new. I sure am learning a lot more about "gadgets" than I used to know! LOL
So Friday comes, I get off work at 4 and rush home to pack. We wanted to be on the road by 5:15 at the latest to try and miss the traffic. Our friend and "camp mate" went up early because he had all the tents and stuff. So he left to go get the campsite and set up everything. We were to follow later after they got me from work. Now, you have to try and picture this.....a Mercedes Benz 4 door, 4 grown adults and a medium size dog! Inside the car was not so bad....but we needed to try and find a way to stuff the camping gear we wanted to take for all 4 of us in the trunk! Along with food. It was a trick, but we got it done! Most of the food we decided to pick up from the local store close to the campsite and we would carry the food on our laps for the short distance to the site.
So here we are, on the road on our way:
Ok, so we're off! Woo Hoo! I was so excited...well, actually we all were. Even tho the forecast called for a Thunder and Lightening storm with 70 mile an hour winds with 2 inch hale we were gonna CAMP! HA!
We got to the campsite:
Yes, they are a campsite and General Store for the locals. The Blue Moose Campsite and General Store. This picture is right off the road, but the magic happens after you pass around the store (small, SMALL store as it was) and start to go down to where the camping areas are:
This is the road behind the store that takes you down into the trees to the camping area:
Down at the bottom of that small hill is a wide open area full of grass with a fire pit in the center for the BonFires they have at night for the campers. Courtesy of Blue Moose Campground. You can camp all around that area OR you can go right next to the river that runs beside the campground. We chose right by the river:
The first night was most exciting! I can't say I have ever been in (let alone outside) during a storm like that one. The Thunder was so loud and the Lightening.....well, it just didn't seem to stop. Bold after bolt after bolt kept coming. We were outside under the public awning that's set up in the "common area" so we could really get a good experience with this storm and watch the lightening show. The awning has a metal roof (which scared me a bit being a city girl and all) so when the rain started to come down it was so LOUD. We never did get the 70 mile an hour winds, nor did we get the 2 inch hail, but the storm itself was enough of a show. It was Mother Nature at her best that night, showing her awesome power and strength. This is a night that will sit in my memory for many many years to come as exciting and awe inspiring. With the breaks in the rain, we each took our turns going to our tents for the night to finish "riding out" the storm and see what tomorrow would bring. The only hitch for that first night was that the electric pump decided to stop working after we only had gotten one of the air mattresses inflated. So it was on the floor of our tents for the rest of us (including me).
The next morning I awoke to the birds chirping in the trees and the sound of the river right outside my tent. The smell of the air after that rainfall was so sweet. I rubbed my eyes and couldn't wait to get out of the tent to see everything in the early morning sun. As I started to jump up and put my shoes on, I realized I was NOT going to be "jumping" out of the tent in the fashion I had hoped for (or at least felt in my head that I wanted to) because these old bones do NOT like sleeping on the ground in a tent in just a sleeping bag! Ouch!
It was a wonderful day even tho I was sore. Went up to the Blue Moose Grocery, had some coffee and chatted with the people that run the place. They were SO kind. Even let me plug in my phone. Poor thing was dead, dead, dead. After a bit we decided to check out the local area, the guys wanted to get a little fishing in, and I wanted some more pics. So we decided to take a drive around the lake. It's around 80 miles, but with all the stopping and the scenery we saw, it never felt that long.
This was just one of the streams we saw while we were on our drive.....the one below was just AMAZING in person!
And yes, those people are panning for Gold. Real Gold! I was told due to the heavy rains the night before, it stirred up the bottom of the rivers and caused any Gold in the ground to possibly rise to the surface. I ALMOST wanted to try it myself, but we had more exploring to do. lol
That night we got back and we all pulled out our variety of foods and such we brought to eat. And off went the men to do the cooking on the grill thing, We had baked potatoes, fresh caught fish, hot dogs, steak, chips, beer, sauteed mushrooms and onions in wine.....all kinds of stuff. And we were HUNGRY after being out all day on our travels. The smell of the grills going and the sound of the river at our campsite with the birds chirping in the background was so relaxing and just what I needed! After nightfall they started a bonfire in the center of the common area so we all gathered around and chatted and just hung out. Our group of campers, the other campers in the area, and the owners of the site.
All in all, this was one of the best weekends I have had in a looooooong time. And I can't wait to do it again!
Wow the past few months have been nerve wracking! I have been going thru blogging withdrawls as well as facebook withdrawls. Just goes to show ya just how DEPENDENT we get to our cyber lives huh? I've been able to get to my forums and websites thru my android phone, but some videos I can't watch and some I wanted to download but had to wait for a puter! hahahaha
Life has been just amazing tho! Spring is coming, and even tho it's been raining more than it's been sunny here it's just becoming so beautiful. The trees are blooming, the grass is growing, the flowers are poking their heads up out of the ground. Now we just wait for the people to show up I'm told. Should be around Memorial Weekend or so. Then the crowds are here for the summer. It will be 'hustle and bustle' for those months, and I'm actually excited to listen to all the French speaking tourists!! Aaaaaa, the simple things in life that make me smile :)
Easter was great. I was graciously invited to Momma's daughters house for Easter dinner with the family. WONDERFUL food, good company, and the perk was a call from my daughter on speakerphone with my grand daughters. The only part that tugged at my heartstrings was my 9 year old grand daughter said, "Grandma, I don't mind that you moved, but did you have to move so FAR?" How do you explain to a 9 year old in terms they can understand that this was something I HAD to do for me? I got thru it, and she made me promise to come back for Christmas. So that promise is set is stone! By then I should be having serious family withdrawls anyway lol.
Mother's day was excellent! Did NOTHING!!! I got two Easter cards from each of my Grand Daughters in the mail and another one from Momma. Oh, I should tell you that Momma is the mom of the house I'm renting a room at. Both mom and dad offered there spare room to me, and when I got here I was welcomed with open arms and made to feel so at home from the very first night. Out of respect, I call her Momma (after all she's Queen of her castle right?) And Dad is of course Pappa :)
Phone call's from both my son and my daughter that just brightened my day all the more. My son is doing so well working towards his independence and I'm so proud of him! It seems his life is finally getting "on track" and I can breath emotionally now. To help him keep moving forward, I am sending him my old phone so he can have more privacy on his calls. The phone where he is is a landline and in the middle of the livingroom, This way he can at least go outside or in his room when he wants some privacy! :)
I had my first therapy appt with my new therapist. It's been a year since I've seen one and three sessions don' really count as "therapy" right? LOL So I've been going thru the emotional rollercoaster of the PTSD and soul searching on my own. Been a hard road sometimes. Better boundries are my focus now, and looking at my childhood over the past year with OPEN eyes has allowed me the opportunity to realize why I was such a TARGET for this PD individual. Today, finding this therapist, is yet ANOTHER reason I was to come here to Maine. They call it Serendipity. And I am getting SLAMMED with it almost every day now. Some perfect examples are:
I needed a place to heal my heart and soul. I was givin the beach, plenty of lakes and streams, lots of places to walk with trees and quiet nature. A room in a home where I was greeted with open arms, love, and compassion.
I needed a way to get there I had an angel whom I had never met pay for my plane ticket
I needed to make sure I had an income so I could survive In a small town during the OFF season, I was able to transfer my position to a local store because an employee was leaving on maternity leave. Just so happens????
I need a car because the bus service, although more 'personal' then I'm used to, is limited I've changed depts and so am getting more hours. More hours = more money = car in NEAR future :) And how ironic is that??
I've capped out on healing on my own, and to get further need help. So...... Found a therapist who is also a medium. Works so close I could almost walk to her office. AND the office has a Somatic healer who also does Massage Therapy. So I can continue to grow, say what I need to say to my dad (who's passed away and I have some ISSUES with that!) and get a massage! All in the same place!
I miss home, don't get me wrong. I miss my family, my friends, and just the whole familiarity of it all. But the journey I'm on now requires me to be here, in this place, at this time. 3 sessions with a therapist is NOT enough after the ordeal of the past 10 years. Nor is it enough to get to the actual ROOT of the problem. So, here, in this place, on this side of the USA is where I am able to move forward in healing and growing. I've gone thru the pain, the confusion, the why's, the why not's, the anger, the betrayal, the hatred, and all the endless QUESTIONS and come as far as I can on my own. THIS is where I need to be to move further forward.
One of the hardest things I am currently learning is being Happy......it feels foreign to me, and it's kinda "weird" for lack of a better term. So many years of always worrying about the bills, stressing about the future, always trying to second guess "ITS" moods, being made to feel like a "toaster" while I wondered who his "flavor of the week" was and how long it was going to go on with THAT one? UGH!! SHUDDER!!! Never again will I allow that in my life....
So just being "happy" is a little strange for me. But I'm slammed with it every day here in Maine! Letting go of the "responsibility" of being responsible (because HE wasn't) has been hard and wonderful all at the same time. Hard to explain, I'll try to in another post. Because I really do think this is a topic worth exploring. :)
Haven't been on a Train in years. Didn't think about it much really, I was just so excited to go on a day trip and see my friend. I was also looking forward to seeing more of the sites here. Getting out and about is something I try and do every day. It's still slow, the tourists haven't arrived with their hustle and bustle, and the streets aren't clogged yet with traffic. It's quiet, easy to get around, and I can site see without interruption. But this trip was out of town a bit. A relatively short train ride (about an hour) to a nearby town to meet up with my friend. A town just outside of Boston. Ah! Boston is my goal, but for now, just the 'meet and greet' was enough.
I actually went from Maine thru New Hampshire and into Massachusetts. It's sure a lot easier to go from state to state over here! Not a big deal for locals, most of them do it all the time. Whether their commuting for work or to visit friends/family, or to go to a game. On this train ride, there was a group that was going to the game in Boston. What game? I have NO idea! Sports is not one of my 'forte's, but they were having a great time on the train ride there. It was just what I needed during the ride. I hadn't realized that the train ride would be a 'trigger', but it was. A small one, but a trigger none the less.
In an 'oh so small' paragraph the trigger story goes like this: The last time I was commuting on a train it was because we were living in a small (OMG so small) quaint little German tourist town. We had decided to move back to the valley where both of us had family and friends. I went first in order to secure work and a place to live. I got a job, was staying with my daughter, and was looking for an apt for us to move into. He stayed in the (omg so small) German tourist town and was to secure packing and keep the apt until such time when I had found an apt. I commuted to him every weekend via Train and Greyhound. I ALSO was paying for my share of the expenses of where I was staying and saving for an apt. HE was working full time, but was unable to save any of his paychecks to pay the rent THERE so I had to keep sending him money. AS WELL as pay for my own transportation there and back, my food, my bus fair to and from work, and apt hunt for something affordable for us until he found work after he moved down. HUGE Red Flag of his lack of responsibility, but hindsight is 20/20 right? Oh I got the "I miss you" emails, and the phone calls where he told me that the apt was so big without me there. That the walls "weren't as white" anymore. The place had taken on a "grey" mode since I had been gone. That he couldn't sleep in the bed without me...blah blah blah. And I feel for it, hook, line, and sinker! I look back at this now and realize this was not in any stretch of the imagination a "team" effort. He worked at his job, but kept spending his money on beer and pizza and entertaining his little brother and god know what else.........
So.....the Train ride was a bit of a trigger. Not HALF as bad as I thought it was going to be when it came on tho. And I Thank the God's in Heaven for that! Just another example of how I was CONSISTENTLY devalued throughout the relationship. Besides, the group of friends going to the game helped to take my mind off it. And so did the scenery. They were having a fabulous time and I kept thinking to myself, man, if they were in L.A. someone would have told them to shut the hell up by now! LOL. There was even a guy sleeping in the seats across from me who couldn't have cared less about them having a good time. Didn't bother him at all, he just slept away. What a refreshing way of life. And it's starting to rub off on me as well. I'm feeling more and more every day my body just relaxing here. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect place to go to 're-group' and start my travels. Besides, I found this link on the internet yesterday and it really is true. Maine IS one of the nicest places!
So I'm on the train and soaking up all the sites I can. One of the first things I notice is on this train ride I don't see the little "tents" along the route I used to see. The weather doesn't really permit too many vagabonds out like that, but it was till nice to not have to see all those people just trying to survive. Or have to look at so much trash and graffiti. So apart from the 10 minutes of 'trigger' the train ride was glorious!
I get to my destination, depart from the train and the first thing I notice is that there's a LOT of construction work going on just across from the platform to the left. And we all know what it means when there's construction work right? Construction Workers! Oh baby! Such a site for these eyes.....yummy.
*Side note, while I'm typing this the Ice Cream truck just came by.....ok, call me crazy, but it's 50 degrees out with a wind chill factor (being so close to the beach it's always breezy) that makes it feel more like 30 to this California native! Guess the tourist season is getting close!
So I'm looking around trying to figure out where the heck my friend parked cause I didn't see anywhere anyone could really have parked for the train. Until the train pulled away. The parking lot was on the OTHER side of the train. (oh duh!) I walk across the little "bridge" they have so you can cross the tracks, help a lady with her suitcase and there was my friend! WOO HOO! Now this ought to give you a chuckle. I go running (yes, RUNNING....like you see in the movies) over. Stop laughing! (Well, ok, go ahead and chuckle, I do when I think of it now LOL)
HUGE hugs ensued, as well as the "OMG your real" and all that jazz. See, you have to understand that after going thru one of these 'experiences' (for lack of a better term) you become really close on the internet. The stories are all so similar it's like these sorts of 'people' (again, for lack of a better term) have all read the same handbook on how to manipulate. And you can't help but form bonds with some of the survivors you meet online. When we get to meet any of them in the FLESH is amazing. This is the second time I've been able to do this. And I don't plan on it stopping any time soon. There are so many more I need and want to meet. But, that just gives me more to write about right? :)
While we chatted in the parkinglot for a bit, I was loaded down with a YUMMY warm coat, more PJ's than I can wear (insert smiley face here) a purse, sweaters (yay SWEATERS!) a pair of boots for the rain/mud, an umbrella and all SORTS of things. There was even an extra suitcase for me to bring all this stuff back in. Not a stone was left unturned.....I was blown away at the thoughtfulness and utter kindness being given to me. Kind of hard still to accept such kindness from others. I'm not saying that nobody has ever been kind to me. I have lots of people who have been kind and compassionate. Especially after my ex trying to utterly destroy me. Friends, Family, and even co-workers have come out of the woodwork and embraced me with love and compassion. I love them all more than I can say. But it still takes some getting used to......
The afternoon was wonderful. I could not have imagined it any better. We went to a little place known as Ninety Nine. A nice restaurant with a good atmosphere, and great food. And after that stopped at Dunkin Doughnuts (a little piece of home for me)
While the food was great, the company was better. We shared stories, both of us at one point or another dropping our jaws. Laughing, talking, comparing notes about our ex's, and just having a wonderful afternoon. Time was limited, because my train back was leaving in 4 hours or I wouldn't have made it home until sometime in the early a.m. We sucked up as much of each other as we could. And made plans for next time. Future BBQ's, places to visit, and the next trip to be in Boston.
Love this song. It never ceases to amaze me how many people really and truly believe that I am perfect. Just the way I am. So hard to believe when I have been made to feel 'not good enough' for so many years.
But then there's mornings like this one. Where not only do I LOVE where I wake up every day, but then it's painted white everywhere the eye can see and that just makes it all the more beautiful. I have always loved the snow. I don't know if that's residual from being born in Chicago, or just because of the LACK of it growing up in Southern California. Or maybe it's a combination of both LOL. All I know is that I love the snow. The world seems to stop, and gets quiet when it snows. It's like the earth is 'rebooting' herself. Everything just seems to stop. Including me and my mind. Noise is dissolved into the mounds of beautiful white cotten...in the distance I hear the train's horn....and occasionally the sound of the snow falling from the trees or the electrical wires. And I learned (just today as a matter of fact!) that you need to watch yourself walking under trees during the snowfall. Or you could get dumped on.....HAHAHA.
So below is what I had the PRIVILEGE of waking up to outside the kitchen window:
As of this posting however, the city has sent the snow plows by to clear the road, and we scrapped the snow off the car. But to me, this was God's beauty in an amazing way. Who could not have an religious experience (however fleeting) looking at this?
I wanted to desperately to go outside and just walk around and take in and FEEL the stillness....to see the beauty of everything coated in a blanket of white....to actually experience that oxymoron of snow at the BEACH! But that will have to wait till next year. Bundle up like a "snow bunny" yes, I can do that, but the SHOES leave a little to be desired. Need a new pair of those for next year. Main focus? WATERPROOF! LOL
So, I'm surrounded by all this beauty, people who stop and wave for no apparent reason (and if my friend wasn't with me for validation you would probably think I'm nuts!) a much slower pace lifestyle (still getting used to that) tap water that tastes as good if not better than bottled, and just so MUCH love. Every day is truly becoming a gift, and I am really learning that "yes I AM perfect".
I am PERFECTLY IMPERFECT. I am compassionate, loving, empathetic, happy. I tend to be too hard on myself, but I'm learning to "calm down" and treat myself like I treat everyone else. I love nature, relaxing by a warm fire, and drinking hot cocoa. I am religious about making my bed in the morning because I can't get into it and go to sleep if it's a mess. I can let the dishes go in the sink for most of the day if I want to and the Earth will NOT stop spinning. In fact one of the BIGGEST things I've learned that if I feel like it I CAN CALL OUT SICK TO WORK even if I'm NOT SICK! Just because maybe I want to take a 'mental health' day. I can DO that and it's ok!!!! You know why? because I don't have someone making ME feel like if I DON'T go to work then the bills won't get paid....god forbid anyone ELSE in the house should get up off their dead butt and try to act like a responsible adult....
But I don't have that 'babysitting' job anymore, I had to dig deep to find that place where I could let go of the "habit" of second guessing my thoughts, my emotions, my desires, and my actions. All because I was so 'conditioned' to worry about OTHER peoples reactions.
But now I get told from someone, somewhere that I am a good person. Either by commenting on my blog, or in an email, or FB or a text on my phone or something. It has really been hard to swallow sometimes. My inner voice wants to tell me it's not true, or they really don't mean it, or there's a hidden agenda (one of HIS favorites). But most of my life it's been one of those things. No longer. And this has become so utterly freeing. It might not seem like a big deal to some of you, but to someone who has been under the 'watchful' eye of others most of her life it is most liberating to not worry about it anymore.
I am LEARNING that I am Fucking Perfect just the way I am.
I am DISCOVERING just how Perfect that person is (even with my human flaws! LOL)
I am EMBRACING all that Perfection, because I never did before.
They say life is a journey...well folks, I got my "E" ticket, my front row seat, and so far.......it's becoming AWESOME ride.
Even tho the video I posted is of Portland, Maine I only live 20 mins from Portland. Or 8 mins by Train. Can you believe that? TRAIN!! How cool is that!
The charm is here just as abundantly as it is in Downtown Portland tho. I have been 'non-stop' mostly since I got here. There is so much to see and do! Even tho the weather is still pretty chilly (downright COLD for this CA girl lol) it is beautiful. 4 seasons again are going to be amazing! I have missed and wanted 4 seasons in my life for soooooo long! After so many years in just 2 seasons during my life....4 is really going to be awe inspiring and a treat!
I've done the 'small tourist town' before. It didn't work out so well. First of all, the town was so far from everything. Downtown ANYWHERE was at least an hour drive. Work for me was a 2 hour drive. The theme was German, period. Slow in the off season, busy during the tourist season, the streets closed up at 5 pm and you were pretty much 'stuck' in your home.
But here......here you get the quaint buildings or the lakes if you want. I have access to the city (which doesn't loose it's charm) in a reasonable amount of time. All the homes around me are so full of personality I feel like I'm waking up to a Christmas Card every morning. And next week I'm planning on going to Boston for the first time in my life. I have wanted to visit that city for years and years. And here it is right 'next' to me. Only a 2 hour train ride. Heck, that I can do standing on my head! LOL
And one of the important (for me) things I'm going to do is take pictures of Boston! Cause I'M actually GOING TO GO there....not 'pretend' I did with some made up story to make myself look good. ROFL (pathetically funny to me now)
5 days here and my jaw still hits the ground with the area. I know everything happens in its own time, I just wish this opportunity would have come across my plate so much sooner. But then who knows. If it had, I might not have moved forward with it. Ah heck, I'm here now, and that's what matters..
Fishing season starts in 5 more days. And soon is the blueberry picking season (FREE!) Lobster also comes into season next month. The stores in my town start opening up. The Paddle Boat gets put back on the river. The ones like they have in New Orleans. The weather gets warmer (thank goodness!) and the trees start to get there leaves back. All the fruit and vegetables stands open up again, and many are only a block from where I live. It's going to be like a Farmers Market every day. There is a lake everywhere you turn here. And everything is going to be so lush and green.....boggles my mind how much beauty there is here.
Another thing I love is that people are so NICE! We drive down the street and people just wave. For no reason, they just wave. I asked Ryan why they did that, was it normal? (Not being from here I ask LOTS of questions about stuff!) and he said not really. That made me laugh! Well, I guess the Cosmos' are doing what they can to make me feel welcome. :)
It will get crowded with the hustle and bustle of the tourists, but I look forward to that. I am ALSO looking forward to after tourist season is over. I'm sure by then I will have had my fill of traffic, and crowds and the like. It will be almost like 'home' (back in L.A.) while the tourists are here, but I just love the peace right now.
And today we are going to go visit the nearby waterfalls.....Can you BELIEVE THAT?? NEARBY WATERFALLS!!!!
Yep, I'm gonna turn into a prune being here. I love the water, I miss swimming like I would miss air if it was taken away. Going to be hard to find me on dry land when I'm not working if I have my way!
Well, it was "D" day. The day when it all finally came to fruition. I would like to think of "D" day as "Debi" day, but then that sounds a little Narcissistic doesn't it? LOL. So we'll just leave it as the original "D" day.
The ride to the airport was uneventful for the most part. The ride share turned out to be my own personal chauffeur service. I was supposed to ride with one other individual, but they wound up canceling because their flight was delayed to a later one. So it was just me and the driver.
We had nice conversation off and on all the way to the airport. He gave me pointers on flying and got me to the terminal with PLENTY of time despite the stop and go traffic we had to deal with. Be that as it may, the ride was pleasant yet almost surreal. I kept looking out the window knowing that everything I was looking at, that everywhere we passed that was familiar, that I wanted it burned into my brain. Because it was going to be a long time before I saw any of it again. Even tho I had grown up in the Valley, it was like I had this need to make sure everything was BURNED into my brain. As if (for some reason) I might forget it? I don't know what the reason was, but for some reason it was important.
I get in line with my I.D. ready and up to the counter. The lady was so kind. Big smile, warm attitude, friendly, patient...she was great. I think she saw the fear on my face. My emotions ride on my face. That is why I'm such a God awful lier. Anyone who knows me knows my face shows any and all feelings I'm having. Got my bags weighed, tagged, checked in, my tickets and off I went thru the airport. (YAY)
All the way to the Security Check everyone was just so nice! So many smiles, nodes, the "hello's" and "how are you's"......and everytime I stopped to talk to anyone, or get something to drink, they always complimented me on my hair color :) So it dawned on me, that's why everyone was being so NICE! And while I'm walking (still) to the Security Check I'm thinking what the hell took me so long to color my hair? No really, in the grand scheme of things, this is not a big deal. But then since this trip, these experiences I'm to uncover are all for the soul searching I'm doing, so I'm trying to look at the 'simple' things a little more closely. And in this case I had had a strong desire to color my hair for years. I made excuses as to why I didn't (too much upkeep, to much grey, to stubborn grey hair to color, yadda yadda yadda) But it really just boiled down to being someones "blonde bimbo". It was the color HE wanted me to be...well Thank God I get to do what I want now. And it seems so far my choices are positive.
YUCK! "shake it off, shake it off"
AHEM! ok ~ back to my travels. (I warned you this was going to have bits and pieces of past garbage, but I'll try and keep it to a minimum). But one thing I really did learn is that there is a certain amount of seriousness that revolves around being dark haired~as opposed to blonde. I think I prefer this side of the coin.
"You doubt your value ~ don't run from who you are"
Waiting at the gate for the plane to board has got to be one of the most gut wrenching hours of my life. The fear and tension has the best time to fester and grow during this time. I'm in the airport, smelling the jet fuel (yes, I have a very sensitive nose), watching the planes take off and land. The people coming off their flights. The people waiting to get on. There's business class, economy class, the occasional traveler, the constant traveler. It's easy to spot all the different types of fliers in an airport. And I sit there and envy each and every one of them. No matter how often they fly, or for what ever reason, the bottom line here is that they are OK with it.
And I'm not. It's that simple. I'm just not. I not only have such a major fear of heights, but flying? 30,000 feet in the air? Not a good thing for me. Ever. But for this, this time in my life. The 'door' I need to go thru. For this I will fly.
So we board the plane and I find my seat and before I even sit down I find a steward. "I need a glass of water" I ask him. He say's sure and kind of looks at me a bit concerned. So I explain that I hate flying and show him my anti panic pill I have cut in half. Now to understand the importance of this pill, first let me say it was the LAST pill I had left from my prescription. I had held on to this pill for over a YEAR. Yes, I checked the expatriation date and we were all good. But this pill meant more to me than I think you understand. I had been prescribed anti-anxiety meds after my last 'meltdown' at work. I found a therapist who I was only able to see for 3 sessions, and nursed these pills the best I could. Kept the last one for an emergency. There were times I SERIOUSLY looked at that puppy lemme tell ya! But I held on to it. THIS was the perfect time to use it. Well, that and the glass of wine I had.
Most of the first flight had turbulent's. The weather was pretty crappy leaving Los Angeles so from what I understand, clouds cause turbulent's. Once we got in the air and at cruising speed it wasn't so bad. Pretty smooth. The movie helped too. I got to see Narnia part 2. I hadn't seen that movie yet, so it was entertaining. Another good thing was that everyone around me were either reading something on their laptops or watching their own movies. This of course caused them to keep the window shade down for glare which in turn allowed me to NOT have to worry about looking out the window. YAY! Made for a much easier and calmer flight.
When we got to Chicago O'Hare I was so starved I thought I was going to eat my arm. Note to self, always make sure you eat a meal prior to boarding a plane! Oh they had food, but only took Credit or Debt cards. No cash. So that left me out in a lurch.
Chicago O'Hare airport is HUGE! After going thru security (which by the way is really a pain) I had to walk to the other side of the airport to find my gate. I knew I had an hour layover but wanted to make sure I knew where my gate was so I wouldn't miss my flight. On the way I spied a McDonalds which I practically dove into to get some food on the way. Arrived at the gate, sat down and ate. Let me tell you I was so hungry that food tasted as good as steak. Done eating, check the time, ok about another 20 mins or so and we should be boarding. NOT! An announcement comes over the loudspeaker that the flight has been delayed another 2 hours! Oh boy! So I text my ride at my destination to let him know, and it's all good. Thank GOD for understanding people in my life! If it had been (anybody else) I would have been made to feel guilty for the delay. Oh, not that it was my fault (per say) but that the hour was going to be late and he would be tired and crap. Well, that's not an issue I have to deal with anymore! (THANK GOD!!)
The second flight wasn't so bad even tho it was a smaller plane. This was an express plane. I was so relaxed and 'used' to flying at this point that I was able to look out the window when we almost got to the airport. Now THAT'S a huge accomplishment! I'm not looking forward to flying again anytime soon, but I think I've finally figured out how to do this without such bad panic attacks.
One of the first things I noticed after we got off the plane and I went to the baggage claim was how small the airport was. And when I looked outside there was SNOW on the ground still. Now that was a shock. I knew it was still cold here, but I didn't expect snow on the ground in March. The roads are clear, but the snow is still on the ground and pushed to the side of the roads. When I stepped outside to go to the car I was hit with a blast of cold air that took my breath away. It was shocking and wonderful at the same time! Crazy you might say? Not really. Not to a girl who's been raised in Southern California. This is all so new! I lived away from California for a few years in Seattle, Washington. But there it's grey and drizzles 10 months out of the year. I found then that I suffer from S.A.D. But here that shouldn't be a problem. The winters are long, but there really are seasons here that I can't wait to enjoy. California has 2 seasons...warm and hot. Washington has 2 seasons as well, cold and colder. This is going to remind me of what all the seasons are. And I can't wait. The next few weeks are for exploring before the tourists come to town. So I'm off to take pictures, find places to meditate, and just look around.....
So far there isn't anything or any reason I feel uncertain about what I've done.....so far this is EXACTLY where I need to be and what I need to be doing with my life. Besides, Boston is screaming my name, so is New York and Cape Cod. All three places have friends to visit.
Well, the grand kids have gone home and the evening is quiet. I leave in two days. I started to feel a bit melancholy while hugging them goodbye, but at the same time was so comforted by their excitement for me. My oldest grand daughter (she's 9) said she was going to write me a letter every day. I thought of the expense of stamps (LOL) and told here we can always use email. Her eyes lite up! That lightened my heart a bit.
So many emotions all over the place, but yet, a feeling of calm and peace over it all. So tomorrow I pack for the last time. I've actually been packed for a week, but that was to make sure I had what I needed to bring for the short term. I can actually get the rest later. I read a poem today that touched my heart so deeply that I think I shall incorporate this as a mantra while I meditate:
Let the light in
with each breath I take
Let it reach every corner of me
and chase the darkness away
with each breath that I release -
release with it
all negativity
Let nothing but peace
surround my being
Let nothing but peace
be my feeling
Give me the strength
to love myself
as I love others
to give to myself
as I give to others
Help me not to dwell on my past
and the things that can't be undone
May I believe in the future
and all the things I can become
Let love be all that dwells
and be all that expels
From within me.
Help my spirit to truly be free...
All day long I've gotten 'messages' like the one above. Letting me know everything will be ok. If you pay attention to Angelic Number combination's as I do, then you know the significance of repeated numbers and/or the attention made to pay attention to certain number sequences. Today's number was 3:00. And the message that goes along with this combination is:
3's and 0's, such as 300 or 330 - God and the ascended masters are trying to get your attention, most likely with respect to a matter related to your Divine purpose. Is there any guidance that you've been ignoring lately? If so, you may be feeling stuck right now. This number sequence is heaven's way of alerting you to the fact that you must do your part in the co-creation process. This means listening to and following your Divine guidance to take certain actions.
I have interpreted this as what I'm doing is the RIGHT thing for me. I have been feeling 'stuck' the past week due to "short timers" knowing the move towards my new life was coming, but wasn't here yet. I need to do my part? Oh heck yea, that means get ON that plane and don't worry.......listening to and following my Divine guidance? My desire is even stronger now. This is a pull I can't put into words. I just know that in my heart, deep within my heart, is a sense of knowing that this is the best thing for me. I have halted turning inward the past few days. My time with my grand daughters and my daughter was more important to me right now. With only a few days left to see them, I felt that I could take a 'break' from all the soul healing I've been doing. But it seems that tonight, now that the house is quiet and the girls have left, the universe is letting me know that it hasn't forgotten about me! And while I sit here and try to type this, I am hit left and right with messages, emails, postings, YouTube video's and the like of stuff that is yet again empowering, validating, comforting, and enriching.
So tonight, I will light a white candle and meditate again. And as I do this, I not only will be asking my Angel to keep my heart safe and warm, but I will also be extending a white light to the people of Japan. To help assist them with peace in their hearts. And as I lay my head down tonight, I will dream of trees, streams, lakes to swim and fish in, the new sites I am to see and experience, the cities, the towns, the people who are going to be coming into my life.....and all the new things I have in store to learn and see and do.
I really realize now......in this moment in time.....it has hit me. I am running TO something, not FROM anything. I am going to be purging a lot of garbage I've keep inside all my life, and while that part will be hard I am comforted to know it's going to be in a place where I am loved and cared for. Where I have as much nature around me that I can tolerate and then some. I am going to be in a place that my mind, body and soul can truly reach the place where I want to be. Is this 'magical thinking' on my part? Not hardly! There is no 'magic place' in the world that can fix anyone. But there ARE places you can go that FIT your needs to continue on that journey. Just because where I'm going is beautiful and serene with lots of areas where I can meditate and do soul searching the PLACE is not going to fix me. It is simply somewhere that I need to be to continue my work on myself. I understand that it's ME that has to do the work. And so, I will end this post with one of my favorite prayers:
The Knots Prayer
Dear God,
please untie the knots
that are in my mind,
my heart and my life.
Remove the have not's,
the can not's and the do not's
that I have in my mind.
Erase the will not's,
may not's, and
might not's that find
a home in my heart.
Release me from the could not's,
would not's and
should not's that obstruct my life.
And most of all, dear God,
I ask that you remove from my mind
my heart and my life all of the am not's
that I have allowed to hold me back,
especially the thought
that I am not good enough.
And the world opens up to me. I am so excited I can't think straight! All I keep thinking about is where I'm going, what I'm going to see, the pictures I'm going to take......and the growing I'm going to be doing. As I sit here and type this I reflect on this day today. It was gorgeous out. The sun was shining, the weather was warm, and I had another "me" day.
I took myself out to a wonderful lunch, book in hand. While I read I kept coming across parts of the book that rang so true that I was grateful I had a yellow highlighter in my purse LOL. All afternoon I kept wishing I was better at posting thru my phone. Thoughts and ideas were creeping in so much I was almost afraid I was going to forget them before I could post! Eat. Pray, Love is the book I'm reading. I've seen the movie over and over (because I own it) but the book is so much more powerful. I've had to set it down for now, because I realize it's going to be a great way to take my mind off the fact that I will be 30,000 feet in the air in a week. My fear of flying is still there, but my excitement is starting to override it, Thank God! When I got home I had a wonderful phone conversation with a friend of mine while in the hammock in the back yard. Then, I got back up and went to the store and decided to take myself to DINNER! Yep! Imagine that! I took myself out TWICE today.
You know how in the movies they make it seem like it's 'weird' or 'unusual' for someone to eat alone? Or they show the other characters as feeling 'sorry' for you? That you must be SO lonely to be eating alone.....reading a book no less! Well, let me tell you here and now, in the REAL world that is NOT the case. In fact, they almost seemed envious. I can't imagine that it takes 'courage' to eat out alone. After today the stigma of that simple act of eating whether with someone or not just boggles my mine. I had a fabulous day, wouldn't have traded it for all the tea in China. Just might do it again. Soon.
One of the things I decided today was that THIS blog is truly going to be a compilation of what the title implies, Taking My Soul Back. This blog is going to be my travels, my experiences, filled with photos and video's of places I've been. It's going to consist of my feelings while I aspire to learn new things, new cultures, new ways of life. Although I can't do it as EXTENSIVELY as Elizabeth Gilbert did in her book, I will do what I can. I have my personal itinerary in my head and am going to leave the rest to the Powers That Be to make sure I can do it. And how, you might ask, is this supposed to happen? Because it will. I know it will. It is happening already! I put "out there" that I needed some help, I threw my hands in the air (so to speak) and said, "ok....what am I going to do?" In fact, much like Elizabeth Gilbert did in her book, I almost had the same conversation with God myself.
And then I let it go..............
All at once the doors FLEW open! I don't know much about this Ascension stuff (I'm learning) but it does seem that when you just let go after you ask for something it really does seem to work. The 'yucky' stuff, the pain, the anger, coming to terms with that I am going to leave on my original blog, Walking on Broken Glass.What my intention here is, is to document for you my growth as I turn inward and appreciate the outward, (hope that makes sense).
Those of you who have been 'with' me this past year know the journey I've been on. Most of you have been on it yourself. Or are still on it. You have seen me fall down the Rabbit Hole on numerous occasions and watched me climb back out. I would have given my right arm to have been able to have therapy and medication for this past year. But at the same time it's been a blessing that I haven't. I really truly AM stronger than I gave myself credit for. And it's THAT strength that gives me the courage to do what I'm doing now. God Bless the therapist I saw (albeit only 3 times) she opened my eyes in those few fleeting sessions to a whole WORLD of answers. There were days I didn't know if I was going to make it.....anxiety attacks that I swore were going to send me 'round the bend. But I did the work and I got THRU it. In the book I'm reading she puts it so perfectly where I am at now. She is trying to come to terms with wanting it all basically. So bear with me, and if you will turn to page 29 and skim down to the middle she says, and I quote:
My truth was exactly what I'd said to the man in Bali~~I wanted to experience both. I wanted worldly enjoyment and divine transcendence~the dual glories of a human life. I wanted what the Greeks called kalos kai agathos, the singular balance of the good and the beautiful. I'd been missing both during these last hard years, because both pleasure and devotion require a stress-free space in which to flourish and I'd been living in a giant trash compactor of nonstop anxiety.
That last sentence is what caught me. So simple, yet so true! And it hit home for me. So that's the reason for changing the 'tone' of this blog. This is now my happy blog. Everything else I come to terms with, or any rocks I remove from My Little Red Wagon will go on the Walking on Broken Glass blog.
As most of you know, my life is taking an INCREDIBLE turn and it has become so exciting! In one week (approx) I get to start 'anew' with a fresh slate. A new and beautiful place I have not only wanted to visit most of my life, but so close to so many others as well. Lunch dates have been planned....outings are already in the works and I'm just so EXCITED! No more am I just 'getting by day by day' struggling to get out of the mess he left me in. Everyone I have spoken to about it are just raving at how wonderful it is and how jealous they are. What's funny (sort of) is that I NEED that validation from others. Even tho in my heart and soul I know this is something that's good, I still need to know from people outside that it's 'ok' to do something nice for myself.
This is the crucifix I carry. And the one I'm learning to drop. The need of outside validation. Why? Why do I need that really? If I'm not murdering anyone, if my actions don't inflict intentional harm on another human, (or animal for that matter), and if it's in my heart to do it, then I should do it! Take up painting, music, learn a new language, go back to school, learn a new trade.....or in my case right now, Travel. What wondrous sites I am about to see. I have no worries there is even a chance of this last part of my life getting boring.
I'm taking an utterly disgusting situation and turning it into something good. Making Lemonade out of Lemons you might say. I actually hate that saying, but for this situation it rings true. This path of self-discovery is scary but yet so exhilarating. I'm not just sitting around "thinking" about stuff and trying to psychoanalyze every little thing. Well, I am thinking and processing, but I'm also DOING something as well. I'm moving forward in my mind, body, and soul.
I've taken up meditation. It's a wonderful experience. I have to be honest, I don't do it as often as I should, but I'm working on that. Your supposed to meditate once a day for at least 5 mins. I can see why. It's so relaxing and it really does help keep your head clear and your stress level under control.
I make a conscience effort to eat 'live' food. Fast food, fried food, frozen food, even canned food has become almost a thing of the past. It's made a world of difference in how I feel physically. I'm still having an issue putting on weight, but at least I'm healthy.
I take vitamins every day.
I only associate with people who are uplifting and happy. I'm not focusing on trying to 'fix' anyone who's having a bad day or life or whatEVER the situation is anymore. It's not my job to fix anyone. I have enough work to do just fixing myself. I am more than willing to listen to ANY of my friends or family if they have a need to talk, but I don't feel a NEED to help them. That 'need' I've had from childhood to now was one of the 'tools' he used to control me. But that's left for another post. My empathy and his poor pitiful me.....
I have learned to let go of material things. Now this was one of the hardest lessons to learn. And it's because it was not my CHOICE to do this. It was FORCED upon me against my will. I was not consulted, not asked, not even given much thought when it happened. It's as if I didn't even EXIST I was so out of the loop. I didn't listen to that inner voice (who knew him so well) to go and follow up on my belongings. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. After EVERYTHING he had done to me for 10 years, I STILL gave him the benefit of the doubt. Ok, need to take a breath here......
I've changed my attitude, my hair, my outlook, I'm even looking forward to flying! And boy 'o boy I HATE flying. LOL
I look forward to getting up in the morning again and seeing what the day will bring me.
I will keep posting for everyone on the emotional healing and the crap I went thru. But right now, for the next few weeks, my life is becoming wondrous, happy and so full of possibilities. I hope and I wish that you will all follow me on my journey of life, self-discovery, and growth from coming Out of the Fog.
Tonight's post was driven by something I read, and it was so utterly uplifting to me that I was 'inspired'. It went like this:
The only reason an N comes back around is because they think we are in the same head space in which they left us. If you are NOT in the same head space and have done your work, then you have no worries. They will not be remotely attractive to you. In fact, the thought of them will sicken you to your core.
Well, I've been doing the work. And the thought of him DOES sicken me to my core. I had hoped that someday, just maybe, he would come back to right the wrong he had done. Never would I ever want anyone in my life who could harm another human so intentionally. So maliciously. And never did I expect him to say "I'm sorry". Now that was Magical Thinking on my part. Who would Discard and Destroy another human being after so long together and get married 4 weeks later? If that doesn't tell someone just how LITTLE they meant to you then I don't know what does! And don't even get me started on the co-dependent wife! Yet again, that will be another post.....
I want to end this post with a quote that really touched my heart and soul. It rings so true, and those of us who have come out from these HORRIBLE experiences will understand it's deepest meaning and I am doing my best to live my life this way now:
Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else's life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others opinion drown your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
~ Steve Jobs ~
So I hope you stay with me "Sans the Sociopath" while I go on my journey. My days won't always be filled with laughter and fun I'm sure. Life is life and things happen. Memories get triggered. And I will write about those too. But for now at least life is amazing just for the shear fact that I can BREATH again!
I'm going to try and make a little "analogy" here so things make better sense. There are millions of reasons why we don't 'forget' and just 'move on' after one of these experiences. Let me use an example of something that happened to me years ago to try and shed some light on the subject:
Many years ago, my children (I have 3) and I and my partner went to the beach for a vacation. We had rented a condo right off the water. It was beautiful. The weather was perfect, the water was warm, and because it was a Time Share there weren't many people about. Our first night there was magical. I fell asleep listening to the crashing of the waves outside. It was so magical.
The next day, we all got up had our breakfast and went down to the water. We laid out our blankets, blew up our donut, and proceeded to start our day. The waves weren't particularly high, so myself and my two boys started going into the water. My partner at the time had a fear of the Ocean as they had not really had much experience with it, and my daughter was too young at the time to do much more that get her feet wet. So they stayed ashore.
I'm keeping an eye on my son's, as a good mother would, and got angry at my oldest because he seemed to be going further out and down the shore from us. Both myself and my other son were yelling at him to come closer and not go so far away. He had the donut, so I wasn't too worried, I just didn't want him so far away. It seemed he had come closer to us, but the next thing I new I couldn't feel the ground under my feet anymore and we ALL seemed to be far from our group. The next thing outta my mouth was "get to shore"...still I had not had the "light bulb" go off in my head as to what was happening. All three of us grabbed onto the donut and started swimming to shore. At least that's what we were trying to do. I turned around, my back to the shore for a sec and had the living daylights scared outta me! A wave the size of a 10 foot building was coming!!! I yelled to my boys "hold your breath!" and it hit. Under the water we went....when we surfaced my oldest had been dragged to shore by the wave, but me and my other son were still out there. My oldest had been ripped from the donut, so it was just the two of us hanging on.....I let go of the donut and told my son to swim like he had never swam before. Again and again we were hit with waves. (God help me as I write this I'm shaking all over again) I'm treading water the best I can, TRYING to get to shore. As I'm going up and down with the waves, I notice I can only see the shoreline on the dip. That's not good, that means I'm being pulled out to sea. By now I realize (DUH!) that I'm caught in a Riptide. But I'm still not sure what to do. So I'm frantically trying to get myself to shore.
I was lucky. My Guardian Angel's were there to help me that day, because it just so happened there was the beach patrol!!! And emergency dingy was inflated and they were on there way to come get me. But the waves were so violent that when the first EMT came out, he was swept RIGHT PAST ME! By this time I'm cold, tired, my muscles are starting to cramp from just fighting the waves and the current. The dingy made it out to me and I was brought ashore.
They wrapped me in a blanket and put me into the Ambulance so the EMT could monitor my heart rate and check for hypothermia. As I'm sitting there, I see them putting HANDCUFFS on my oldest son! I told the EMT, I HAVE to go find out whats going on with my son. He didn't want to let me go, said "I have to make sure your ok first" But I told him if my son goes to jail I'm certainly NOT going to be ok!"
It turned out, he had made it to shore and was yelling at the EMT'S that they weren't working fast enough to save his mother (God Bless him!) So they wanted to arrest him because they said he was "obstructing" them by yelling while they were trying to do their job. I gathered my breath (I was still mentally and physically shaken) and spoke as calmly to the officer as I could. Explaining that he was just "in panic mode" that he was "young and didn't understand" and to please have a heart. That I would talk to him and explain the importance of letting Emergency Personnel do there due diligence without obstruction. They let him go into my care. (WHEW!)
For WEEKS we all had nightmares about it. Every time I started to drift off to sleep I would hear the waves crashing and feel myself in the Ocean again. It was miserable. It took me a long time to get back into the Ocean. But I got over it. And so did my sons.
How does this story relate to Forgiving but not Forgetting? Well, first off I can't Forgive the OCEAN for doing what it does. It has no conscience and therefore acts and does what it does. Therefore, forgiving the OCEAN is a mute point. Forgiving MYSELF for not paying attention, or for ignoring everything I have learned growing up in CA about Riptides was what I had to do.
Forgetting what happened would mean not LEARNING from the experience. I have moved on from what happened but I will never forget. I will carry that memory with me the rest of my life. I've learned what to do if I'm ever caught in another Riptide and will make SURE I don't make that same mistake again.
Someone with a PD is never, and let me say this again, NEVER cured. Bi-Polar Disorder is "handled" with medication and therapy. But they are never cured. Its a short in the wiring in there brain and has been chemically proven by the DSM on personality disorders. The Cluster B co-morbid PD's aren't even "helped" with medication OR therapy. Again that is proven and documented in the DSM. So really it's a lost cause.
Forgive him? Whats to forgive? He has no conscience, therefore will feel no remorse and will not and cannot understand the concept of forgiveness. That would be like my standing there on the shore and telling the Ocean, I forgive you....think it'll hear me let alone care? Forgiveness is for me.....
Forget what happened? Never! To make sure it never happens to me again, I will never ever forget this. And like the Riptide situation, I have learned from the experience and will do my best to caution others. Hence, the reason for this blog and my others as well. If I can reach just one person to help brighten that "lightbulb" moment for them, then that's one more person who never has to go thru this soul wrenching experience.
According to Drs. Hare and Babiak psychopaths are always on the lookout for individuals to scam, exploit or swindle. The psychopathic approach includes three phases:
1: Assessment phase
Some psychopaths are opportunistic, aggressive predators who will take advantage of almost anyone they meet, while others are more patient, waiting for the perfect, innocent victim to cross their path. In each case, the psychopath is constantly sizing up the potential usefulness of an individual as a source of money, power, sex or influence. Some psychopaths enjoy a challenge while others prey on people who are vulnerable. During the assessment phase, the psychopath is able to determine a potential victim’s weak points and will use those weak points to seduce.
2: Manipulation phase
Once the psychopath has identified a victim, the manipulation phase begins. During the manipulation phase, a psychopath may create a persona or mask, specifically designed to ‘work’ for his or her target. A psychopath will lie to gain the trust of their victim. Psychopaths’ lack of empathy and guilt allows them to lie with impunity; they do not see the value of telling the truth unless it will help get them what they want.
As interaction with the victim proceeds, the psychopath carefully assesses the victim’s persona. The victim’s persona gives the psychopath a picture of the traits and characteristics valued in the victim. The victim’s persona may also reveal, to an astute observer, insecurities or weaknesses the victim wishes to minimize or hide from view. As an ardent student of human behavior, the psychopath will then gently test the inner strengths and needs that are part of the victim’s private self and eventually build a personal relationship with the victim.
The persona of the psychopath – the “personality” the victim is bonding with – does not really exist. It is built on lies, carefully woven together to entrap the victim. It is a mask, one of many, custom-made by the psychopath to fit the victim’s particular psychological needs and expectations. The victimization is predatory in nature; it often leads to severe financial, physical or emotional harm for the individual. Healthy, real relationships are built on mutual respect and trust; they are based on sharing honest thoughts and feelings. The victim’s mistaken belief that the psychopathic bond has any of these characteristics is the reason it is so successful.
3: Abandonment phase
The abandonment phase begins when the psychopath decides that his or her victim is no longer useful. The psychopath abandons his or her victim and moves on to someone else. In the case of romantic relationships, a psychopath will usually seal a relationship with their next target before abandoning his or her current victim. Sometimes, the psychopath has three individuals on whom he or she is running game: the one who has been recently abandoned, who is being toyed with and kept in the picture in case the other two do not work out; the one who is currently being played and is about to be abandoned; and the third, who is being groomed by the psychopath, in anticipation of abandoning the current “mark”. Abandonment can happen quickly and can occur without the current victim knowing that the psychopath was looking for someone new. There will be no apologies, or at least no sincere apologies, for the hurt and pain the psychopath causes, because psychopaths do not appreciate these emotions.
from WIKIPEDIA
The above is textbook for what happened to me. I was spinning at the end during the Abandonment faze not understanding what was going on. His messages were so mixed. But thats what they count on. So while it was "on again" and "off again" with me he never took a stand about anything until I backed him into a corner. And while he was trying to "explain" his way out of it, he still blamed ME for the issue I had brought up. This of course is about all the furniture we had in storage that he let go to auction (email conversation available). And when I didn't reply to his answer he took that moment to send me the all eternal "break up" email (conversation available)
See, I really believe that the ONLY smart thing I did with this whole issue was keep to email conversations. They leave a trail. And if anyone within his "circle" or the "new supply" ever gets wind of this blog.....I have proof. I would love to hear of his "past" that he colored for his new wife. There is no way he told her the truth! LOL Who would tell someone they had just been "honeymooning" that there first wife divorced them for Fraud, their second wife (with their son) divorced them for lying and stealing, and that they "threw away" there third relationship because she wasn't "financially supportive" anymore? Oh, but things will be different with YOU right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
From www.gettinbetter.com
Never will a Borderline take ownership of their failings/flaws. Never. Closure allows a meeting of souls, a healing acknowledgment of each person's part in the demise of the relationship, and an opportunity for both to learn from their mistakes. No such thing will ever exist for the Borderline. Oh, you may receive a perfunctory "I'm sorry," but there is never genuine remorse. So why is this, do you think?
Closure equals Ego Death to a Borderline. They're so fractured/fragile, they really can't manage any hint of abandonment or loss. They're so full of self-loathing, they can't handle anyone being aware of their shortcomings. Their defenses are deeply entrenched, automatic and reflexive--because they need them to survive. Point out your Borderline's weaknesses, and you might as well drive a stake through their heart--if they can take it in. Most cannot, so their denial remains. For you this can mean no harm, no foul.
So when your listening to their past, listen closely......
The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior...................
Lying. Wow. Now this is another pretty big rock to come out of my Little Red Wagon. Lying is something I abhor. I have never tolerated it in the past, but came to "accept" it during my relationship with the ex. I made excuses for it in my head. It never sat well with me tho, so in order to not fight with myself, I learned to just not ask. Or pry. Or become inquisitive. It saved my heart. It saved us fighting. It saved disruption in the house. Or so I thought. I killed me a little more each day.
I had caught him in so many lies in the beginning. And over time he just simply got 'better' at it. More covert. More convincing. I don't know if he got more convincing because he got better, or because I was turning a blind eye more. So it just SEEMED like he was getting more convincing. Or both. Perpetual lying from another person causes you to do things you wouldn't normally do. Normally, I would NEVER think of invading someone else's privacy. I expect my personal space to be respected and as such I extend that to others as well. But in the case of trying to make sure he was being honest, I learned to "dig" into his computer. I did NOT want to find anything. I would have rather had to string myself up with a rope to punish myself than to find out he was STILL lying. I had convinced myself I was doing it to prove to myself that he was indeed telling me the truth. Of course, every time I was proven wrong. So guess what I did to avoid the pain any longer? At the time, I thought it was the best thing for me....in hindsight, I realize it was the worst. I simply stopped looking. Gave it up. Woke up one day and said "no more". Either trust the man, or walk away. Because my love was still so deep I chose trust. I knew it was foolish. But my heart outweighed my head.
I myself am a miserable lair. Its on my face. In my tone. My body screams at you that I'm lying. I even have a problem with 'little white lies'. Hell, I have a hard time calling the Utility Companies to extend a payment with a White Lie! I am so grateful that I did not loose that quality. Lying to me is still a thorn and always will be.
The reason for this post on lying is because of something I read today in my email. I felt it was another stone for me to work on getting out of my Wagon. Part of the email is below:
I'd like to describe to you what I believe the categories of lying are, and why they create damage in relationships.
Malicious Lying
Malicious lying is narcissistic (self-serving without consideration for others) in nature, and the reasons behind it are: I'm not an authentic person who can get my needs met by being real. My real (damaged) self is unacceptable. I have to be a constructed false-self to get what I want from life.
This is the most dangerous version of liar and constitutes a person that you cannot have a healthy relationship with.
Malicious lying has the following characteristics:
- Lying in order to avoid scrutiny or accountability
- Lying about previous and present life details, such as accomplishments and associates
- Using fabricated evidence as ammunition
- Making false promises that aren't upheld
- Lying in order to receive acclaim, notoriety or attention
- Lying to gain the upper hand
- 'Gaslighting' (creating false evidence in order to confuse or distress others)
- Making false threats in order to intimidate
- Fabricating evidence in order to blame others
- Telling someone what they wish to hear and then continuing the poor behaviour
- Proclaiming undying love, which actions don't support, when trying to re-gain connection
- Twisting facts in order to manipulate
Any adult that is operating as a malicious liar does not want to be accountable and does not want to be real. The underlying fear of being real (I'm unacceptable) is too powerful. Many a person has tried to sort out a malicious liar (myself included), believing that you're doing them a favor, and their life will be happier when they stop lying. Really what is going on is: I'm trying to stop you lying so that I can feel happy, safe and loved. The mistake is: we believe our happiness depends on this person getting their act together, rather than realizing that we are the source of our own safety and truth.
Trying to 'fix' a malicious liar equals 'How to Lose'. A malicious liar does not want you sorting out their life, and will only intensify their lying in order to avoid being real. In fact they will resent your interference and will punish you with further evasion, lies and blame for their behaviour. My suggestion is always the same: Get out! Use the experience to heal the reasons why YOU aren't aligning with a REAL and supportive relationship. Because when you do, you'll never attract, tolerate and struggle with a liar again.
Now we can move on to white lies, which many people believe are acceptable, and may even consider as healthy and preferable.
White Lying
White lying has the following characteristics:
Lying in order to 'people please' and 'be liked'
- Lying in order to avoid other's disapproval
- Lying in order to spare other people's feelings
Lying in order to please others is not authentic, nor is it healthy to tell other people what they wish to hear. We're not only denying our ability to be real, we're also not offering genuine feedback that can grant other's the ability to grow and heal their 'stuff'.
Malicious lying is something that was done consistently, effortlessly (it seemed) and with such VIGOR!
"At least I've owned my own house!" Said at the top of his lungs during a very heated argument. Come to find out later, he never owned a home. In fact never really had a rental history. But he was good at not only lying, but using it to verbally chastise me. So it was a double wammy.
"Look honey, here's the voucher from my Grandmothers bank. I can pay you back I swear!" He was desperate for money at the time. He had no job and no where to live. He wanted me to put him up in a hotel room (again)
"I don't know why I sent that email. I just wanted to look better off". This was said after I found an email to a former workmate of his. He sent her an email showing her the house we were renting a ROOM in and a picture of our landlords Truck AS IF IT WAS HIS OWN! In fact, he said in the email (and I quote) check out my new ride! BTW, email is still in my possession as proof.
These are just a few examples of his lying and manipulation. And like I posted before, I can work on forgiving....but I will never forget. I WILL forgive MYSELF for being "duped". But I will NEVER forgive HIM for his lying. It was intentional, thought out, and precise.I have done a lot of crying over this issue. And I'm sure I have a lot more to go, but I'm getting there. Every time I cry, I feel a little bit better. And lately it's becoming leaps and bounds better. I cry when I need to. Wherever I am. If I'm in a public place, I simply keep my head down while the tears fall until I can find somewhere secluded. Then I let it go.
I don't cry for him. I cry for ME. This is MY pain. Why did I tolerate this for so long? Why did I turn a blind eye? Why did I accept his flimsy excuses/reasons? What was it that kept making me make excuses for him? I've found the answer. Stockholm Syndrome
But that is something left for another post. I've done what I can for today. The rock is out of the Wagon and I am feeling better. There. Done.
Although I have read a few books on this subject, I am promoting this one here on my blog. The author, Thomas Sheridan, has become a friend of mine (at least I like to think that). He has proven to be a rock of solid, authentic, and proven facts about PD's, interwoven with care and empathy. I respect his opinion greatly.
When I heard of his book coming out I was so excited! Amazon is offering this book at such an amazingly affordable price I can't HELP but suggest it to everyone and anyone. The first few pages that Amazon offer you to read as a "peek" really offer a good insight into the book itself.
Easy to read, put in everyday words, and with the ability to understand the complexities of these disorders is certainly something everyone will be able to walk away with.
Bet you thought this blog post was going to be about forgiving him didn't you? HA! Never! This is about ME forgiving ME.
Someone once said that not forgiving someone for their wrong doings is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Well, although I find that a rather amusing analogy, it doesn't ring true for me. I only forgive someone when there is no malice within the action. If they truly didn't mean to hurt me, come to me as an adult to my face and apologize, I will forgive them. As long as the act wasn't pre-meditated, planned, thought out, or otherwise constructed, I will forgive them. I will believe it was an honest mistake. The difference here between a normal person who hurts another and a Sociopath/Psychopath is that the only time the Sociopath/Psychopath think of YOUR feelings is when they are concerned the outcome of their actions won't produce the objective they are aiming for. So they 'figure out' just how to 'construct' the lie.
I listen a lot closer to how people apologize to me now. I take a closer look at the situation as well. Never again will I simply accept an apology for bad behavior simply BECAUSE it's an apology. I've learned that an apology is as easily falsified as the original misdeed.
Sociopath's and Psychopaths don't have a moral bone in their body. The only time they SEEM to show remorse is when they feel backed into a corner with no way out. Then they HAVE to admit they did something wrong. But, the way they apologize is always construed with you being at fault to some degree. They can never....and I mean never...take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for what they've done. EVER.
They live by a "code of rules" I've learned. They all do. They all have a pattern they follow:
Biderman's Chart of Coercion:
Isolation: Deprives the victim of all social support necessary for the ability to resist.
Develops an intense concern for self.
Causes victims to depend on the victimizer.
Monopolization of Perception: Fixes attention upon immediate predicament and fosters introspection.
Eliminates stimuli competing with those controlled by the captor.
Frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance.
Induced Debility &Exhaustion: Weakens mental and physical ability to resist.
Threats: Cultivates anxiety and despair.
Occasional Indulgences: Provides positive motivation for continued compliance.
Demonstrating “Omnipotence”: Suggests futility of resistance.
Enforcing Trivial Demands: Develops habits of compliance
Degradation: Makes cost of resistance appear more damaging to the self-esteem than capitulation
Reduces prisoner to, “animal level” concerns.
Food For Thought: Emotional abuse is crippling. It robs a person of their self-esteem, the ability to think rationally, confidence in themselves and their independence and autonomy.If your spouse’s words and behaviors has caused any of the following feelings it is time to seek help:
Isolation from others, you rarely see friends and family.
Excessive dependence on him/her.
You constantly think about saying or doing the right thing so that your spouse does not become upset.
You live in the moment, unable to plan ahead because you fear your spouse’s response to any plans or ideas you have. Any action you take is criticized unless it is one of compliance to his/her desires.
You feel as if you don’t have the energy it would take to fight back against their controlling behavior. You doubt your ability to stand-up and speak your own mind and express your own opinions.
You feel a sense of depression and anxiety most of the time.
You feel as if anything you do or say will be meant with anger or dismissal. Your feelings and desires just don’t seem to matter to your spouse.
I am much more aware of the traits above now. I will carry this "lesson" he taught me for the rest of my life. It hasn't stopped me from making meaningful relationships in the least. I'm just more educated and cautious now.
So, I am working on forgiving MYSELF. 10 years is a long time to be manipulated by someone. And when you couple that with clearing out my closet of my other N relationships, that's a lot of work. I am working on forgiving myself............
